The World That's Coming

June 1

I’m reading a book right now called Overwhelmed: Work, Love and Play When No One Has The Time, by Brigid Schulte; I picked it up as an impulse on Saturday, recovering from a Friday that entirely got away from me and left me feeling just like the title. The week had utterly gotten away from me, I’d been thinking that morning, throwing self-recriminations at myself; the month had completely gotten away from me. My concentration was feeling lost, and I was feeling overworked and exhausted. Something has to change was in my head, and so the discovery of this book seemed — if not a godsend, then at least a happy coincidence.

It’s a fascinating book, filled with pieces of information at once pertinent to my day-to-day existence and also horrifying (If you take a 30 second break from what you’re doing to answer an email, it takes five minutes to return to the state of concentration you were in before, for example — the number of times I do that each day explains why my concentration has been feeling so scattered lately) and something that makes me both concerned for the state of the world — everyone is overwhelmed! — and a little less like I’m fucking up personally, if that makes sense.

That said, I’m not at the point where the book suggests how to make things less stressful and manage my time better, merely the point where I keep being told how important leisure is (I knew that). I can’t wait to get further and learn what to do instead of my current predicament, but ironically, I don’t have enough time to do so just yet.

June 1, 2015 Uncategorized

May 13

And then I got sick.

I’m actually a very good sick person — no matter how lousy I feel, I tend to hold it together pretty well, but this time around, that was pretty hard to do even before I went to the doctor: I was dozing off unintentionally, feverish enough that I could hear myself talking to myself and being pretty much unable to stop it, and had apparently taken up vomiting as a favored new pastime. But then I went to the doctor, and he said “I think you should actually go to the emergency room, they can run tests in a far quicker way than we can here, and if it’s what I think it could be, it’s important that we find out as soon as possible.” Which is, to be fair, pretty much the least exciting thing you want to hear a doctor say to you.

Spoilers: it wasn’t the bad thing. Instead, I’ve got enteritis, which is an infection. A horrible infection, sure, but at least infections can clear up and aren’t going to require surgery or months/years of treatment (Other options brought up included my colon failing and/or kidney stones). The past few days have been the opposite of fun, but they have made me have an all-new affection for the small things: Being able to go to the toilet, for example. Or eating.

May 13, 2015 Uncategorized

April 29

“A week or so,” I said I’d return in; that turned out to be optimistic at best, if not downright foolhardy. April proved to be an overwhelmingly busy month for a number of reasons (and is continuing to be, right up until its final day), and even on days when I had time to write here, I’m not sure I would have written more than simply “I’m so tired, I’m so, so tired” over and over again.

When I started writing here daily, I had visions of doing so every day for a year, some kind of grand plan that would also let me write for myself again, even if it were simply pointless meanderings of little worth. I started 2015 feeling as if I was risking becoming an automaton in terms of output; that the pressures of work meant that I had nothing left to give in terms of brainspace for anything else, and I needed something that was my own. (Wait What? is that to some degree, and I love it very much for that as well as for the chance to talk to Jeff on an almost weekly basis.) Hence, writing here.

And yet, the first three months kind of proved to me that I did have little left to give in terms of brainspace, for the most part; I was writing the random, stream-of-consciousness material that I’d hoped for, but it was emptier than I would have liked, and I think the hope that I’d… I don’t know, sharpen mental muscles as I went along or something, didn’t happen. When I was done, I was done; it was clear to see.

None of this should be construed as real complaints, as much as disappointment in myself and the result of a slow realization that I need to recognize my limits better (and, maybe, factor in some more downtime for myself. We’ll see if that latter one happens anytime soon, though). Will I be doing daily posts here again…? I’m unsure, to be honest; I’ll try to do them when I feel like I can do them, and they feel like something I have time and brainspace for, instead of a promise I made to myself than I have a responsibility to fulfill, if that makes sense. So, if anyone’s reading, hello again.

April 29, 2015 Uncategorized, Writingthoughts

April 6-

I should’ve run this yesterday, but — well, things were busy. The daily, I’ll write something every morning, thing is on hiatus for awhile due to family business. Nothing bad, but just distracting when juggled with deadlines and other things. Normal service should be resumed in a week or so.

(I write that as if I have an audience; I really don’t think I do, for these, but I write nonetheless, imagining that one day I’ll be my own audience at least.)

April 7, 2015 Uncategorized

April 5

In the end, this weekend was successfully stressful and relaxing at the same time. My family arrives tomorrow, so I’m taking the chance to take things as easy as possible, which this weekend turns out to be “not very relaxing at all, because things need to be done.” On the plus side, I got a lot done that will hopefully mean my week won’t be too crazy, but these things never go to plan.

April 5, 2015 Uncategorized

April 3

Skidding into the weekend, but I’d be lying if I said I sensed any hope for a slow down — my family arrives in days, and I’m in the there’s still so much to do mindstate: work that I’ll have to fit in around everything else next week, cleaning house, haircuts, plus various social engagements and other events. (It’s Easter, apparently, but who knew? It genuinely wasn’t on my radar anymore.) I’m sure that when it’s all happening, I’ll be able to feel relaxed and sensible, but right now, I feel the way I do before a vacation, when you’re driving yourself insane to get everything done on time, but on this occasion, there’s no break in store for me, just a different type and schedule of obligations. Happy Good Friday, all.  Go eat an egg or something.

April 3, 2015 Uncategorized

April 2

As with any period of time when you’re preparing for something and very conscious of everything that has to be done before it happens, this week is flying in. It’s Thursday already, I think to myself with something approaching a sense of amazement, mentally checking off deadlines that need to be met for work, and then outside of work — social events, domestic duties — before my family gets here. And even beyond that; things I need to do or that need to be done next week, while my family’s here.

It’s an impressively stressful, distracting time, making me mentally scattered at exactly the wrong time, because that’s the way these things work out. Subsconsciousnesses are, without doubt, the least helpful things at times.

April 2, 2015 Uncategorized

April 1

I was never one for April Fools jokes; I remember there was a rule in schools when I was younger than all pranks and lies had to be carried out before noon, or else the person doing them was the fool. I’ve never really been sure if that was a thing anywhere else, or merely a way that my school tried to keep hijinks to a minimum, but I wouldn’t be surprised either way.

On the Internet, of course, April Fools is the day when people just make shit up in the name of comedy. Not that I have anything against that in theory, of course; I personally love making shit up for the purposes of amusing myself with weak jokes, but what ends up being so frustrating about the Internet on April 1 is twofold: (1) You can’t trust anything, and (2) So many of the jokes are just plain bad.

I can’t wait until April 2nd.

April 1, 2015 Uncategorized

March 31

The detail I remember from my dream last night was a small, but to me hilarious, one; a criminal, or super villain or something similar, making it clear via the Internet that while they’re all about greed and destruction and the like, they’re very much against bigotry and language that supports social repression. I can’t remember the details, exactly, but it was as if I was reading some statement this unnamed enemy of humanity had released along the lines of “Even I, the great [Insert Name Here], think that the casual cruelty unleashed by thoughtlessness has had a negative impact on society…”

Quite why my dreams have been overtaken by “Social Justice Warriors,” I don’t know, but I’m not complaining. First the subconsciousness, then the world.

March 31, 2015 Uncategorized

March 30

It’s always a good sign, he lies, when your week starts with a bout of early morning insomnia. I woke up around 4:30 and couldn’t go back to sleep, so ended up reading British news reports about the election over there. I’m not quite sure when I became a politics wonk — I wasn’t like this about politics while I lived in the UK, although I took an interest. Part of me wonders if it’s something I’ve become fascinated by because I have easier access to the information now, thanks to the Internet and everyone having opinions/ideas that it’s so easy to scan through and feel well informed, even though the very opposite might be the case.

Occasionally, I wonder whether the Internet has made it easier to fake interest and knowledge in subjects, instead of actually making it easier to be educated/educate. Sure, there’s enough information out there to actually be able to learn things for real, but it’s far easier to… kind of learn things, and then let that information flow out of your mind minutes after you’re finished with it. (Spoilers: I might be describing my working practices.) As a result, I feel both more interested and aware in the world around me, and yet perpetually worried that I know less about anything and everything than I did years ago, when I actually had to work at things.

March 30, 2015 Uncategorized