An unexpected result of the death of Gus is that, for the first time in a quarter century, my ex-wife and I have no reason to be in each others’ lives. It’s a simple fact that I’m sure both of us had considered at some point in the past few years since our divorce with differing levels of… excitement? Eagerness? Regret? Some combination of all three, and countless other emotions all tied into a bundle with twigs and twine? (I know that I was certainly aware it was going to happen, and it seems impossible she wasn’t, given who she is.) Nonetheless, now that the moment has actually arrived, it feels curiously anti-climactic.
There was almost no way it couldn’t, of course; we’d split six years earlier (six and a half, almost), and had worked through the emotions and motions of that separation in the years since — we went from anger and recrimination to something approaching amiable friendship, in large part because we were sharing custody of the dogs (and then, after Ernie died, of just the dog, singular. as if that had always been the case). All of the heavy lifting of what it meant to not be in each others’ lives was done at a time when we were, still, in each others’ lives but to a severely diminished extent; it was easier, that way, and felt kinder in some manner as well. We got to get over being mad of each other, scared of each other.
But now, we’re actually properly out of each others’ lives, after 25 years; half my life, and more than half of her’s. It’s a strange thought, that I probably will never hear from her or see her ever again, after everything we shared and once meant to each other, and a sad one, too, despite everything. It feels as if it’s something I’ll have to get used to, just as I get used to never seeing Gus again. A shift in the world that I’ll have to stumble around until I find my footing again.
When we said our final goodbyes, I walked away and almost felt as if I should look back, to see if she was doing the same. It felt silly, self-conscious and I didn’t do it; thinking back now, I wish I had, for reasons I can’t even start to understand or explain.