The point where I realized I was properly sick was early on Saturday morning when it dawned on me that I didn’t have a headache, as such — instead, it was that I could specifically feel an ache in different parts of my skull: my cheekbones were sore, for example, as were my teeth. The back of my skull, where it met my spine.
The thing is, that wasn’t a particularly new sensation for me; as soon as I realized that’s what it felt like, I also realized that the odd specificity of pain actually wasn’t that odd for me — or, perhaps, not that unusual. That’s what it feels like for me when I get really sick, and it’s the sign that I’m not just feeling rundown or a little “under the weather,” or anything similar. It’s when I can separate a dull general ache into multiple simultaneous pains (that are usually accompanied by something else happening elsewhere in my body; this past weekend, a dizziness and general foggy-headedness that wouldn’t shift, and a scratchy throat) that I know that I’m in trouble.
And, sure enough, this past weekend, I was in trouble. I ended up laid out in bed entirely on Saturday and most of Sunday, and then taking Monday off as well because I wasn’t back up to fighting speed just yet. I felt betrayed by my body, or whatever sickness was invading it: it’s not uncommon, sadly, for me to keep it together when I’m not feeling great during the workweek, only to fall sick on the weekend, but to so entirely lose track of my entire time off to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed at all? That just felt unnecessary.
To make matters worse, there had been things I had wanted to do — not even fully-considered-plans, but just vague, seemingly-simple things like it was going to be sunny and warm and because of work, I hadn’t really left the house in a few days and I just wanted to walk around outside thank you very much. But, instead, I was left not thinking clearly, watching the fourth season of The West Wing on HBO Max, because that was all I felt like I could handle at that moment.
And throughout the whole thing, I could feel individual teeth ache, throbbing in time with my fucking cheekbones.
