Category: Writingthoughts

Posted on

Internet Cynicism

Written for Wired, and left unpublished for reasons I can’t explain — there was excitement behind the scenes for it, but it never ran. Who knows?

We’re still some distance away from Star Wars: Episode VII — Two years away, in fact — with production on the movie still months away from getting started over in London. You might assume that that would mean there’s little to say about the movie at this point, but you’d be wrong; for months now, we’ve seen wave after wave of “exclusive” reports announcing the involvement of one actor or another, of some plot development that will almost certainly be happening in the movie, and so on. Let’s be honest: It’s gotten more than a little exhausting.

With that exhaustion — and your limited schedule, dear reader — in mind, we’ve decided to offer the all-purpose Star Wars: Episode VII casting rumor report. Simply delete and fill in the blanks as applicable. You can thank us later.

Our exclusive anonymous sources from deep within [LUCASFILM/DISNEY/THE GENERIC MOVIE INDUSTRY] have revealed to us that [ACTOR WHO WAS IN AN EARLIER STAR WARS MOVIE/ACTOR WHO WAS NOT IN AN EARLIER STAR WARS MOVIE BUT IS A RECOGNIZABLE ENOUGH NAME TO GET CLICKS] will appear in the next Star Wars movie as [THE SON/DAUGHTER/CLONE/GHOST] of [INSERT NAME OF FAN FAVORITE CHARACTER FROM EARLIER STAR WARS MOVIE].

[ACTOR’S NAME] has secretly been in discussions for the role for months, with director J.J. Abrams [EAGER FOR THEM TO REPRISE THEIR ROLE FROM THE EARLIER STAR WARS MOVIE/EXCITED TO WORK WITH THE UP-AND-COMING STAR/A BIG FAN OF THEIR WORK IN ANOTHER SUCCESSFUL MOVIE OR TELEVISION SHOW]. Our sources tell us that [ACTOR’S NAME] is so excited for the opportunity to [RETURN TO THE FRANCHISE/BE PART OF THIS HISTORIC MOVIE SERIES/WORK WITH ABRAMS AGAIN BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW THERE’S A GREG GRUNBERG IS IN STAR WARS STORY DUE ANY MINUTE NOW] that [INSERT SOMETHING ABOUT GIVING UP SOME OTHER OPPORTUNITY IN ORDER TO FREE UP THEIR SCHEDULE].

While [NEGOTIATIONS HAVEN’T FINISHED YET/NOTHING HAS BEEN SIGNED/SOME KIND OF GET-OUT CLAUSE TO COVER US WHEN THIS SCOOP TURNS OUT NOT TO BE TRUE], it should be noted that [ACTOR’S NAME] has previously [INSERT LINK TO PREVIOUS STATEMENT ABOUT HAVING ENJOYED, GROWN UP WITH OR HAVING SOME FORM OF POSITIVE EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE CONNECTED WITH STAR WARS IN SOME WAY] in the past. Keep watching this space for even more Star Wars: Episode VII exclusive news!

Posted on

Happy Belated Birthday, Doctor Who

Written for Time to celebrate last November’s 50th anniversary of Doctor Who, and left unpublished for reasons too ridiculous and complicated to get into.

At one point in Russell T. Davies’ wonderful The Writer’s Tale, a book about his creative process during his final two years as Doctor Who showrunner, he writes “Four years in, and I’ve rarely resorted to the Doctor or companion having to clobber someone unconscious. I’m sort of proud of that, though it does write me into corners. When trapped with a guard, I much prefer to write some sort of distraction – then run! Idiots punch. And punches can kill. Oh, listen to me.”

In that short excerpt lies the heart of Doctor Who in many ways (Not least of which the self-conscious “Oh, listen to me” after making the serious point about the unintended impact — pun not intended — that violence can have; Who has always been a show that undercut its potential preachiness with humor. How stereotypically British, some would say).

That pride in the show’s pacifist stance obviously continued after Davies left the show, if last weekend’s 50th anniversary episode, “The Day of the Doctor,” is anything to go by. That episode, after all, not only investigated what happened when the Doctor surrendered his pacifism in favor of a more violent solution — a final solution, if you will — to war, but the price paid for those actions and what it meant to him moving forward.

Pacifism has always been, after all, what separates the Doctor — and Doctor Who as a whole — from other fictional heroes and stories, especially in genre material. It makes sense why fighting is so common elsewhere; it’s externalizes the conflict necessary to good drama and is, ultimately, exciting to the viewer. Star Wars just sounds exciting from its title alone, and even on Star Trek, the viewer recognized the stakes were raised whenever the order was given to fire phasers.

The Doctor is different, and intentionally so. Throughout his many incarnations (Peter Capaldi, who takes over the role at Christmas will be the thirteenth actor to play the character), only one — the rogue “War Doctor” of the anniversary special, played by John Hurt — has preferred to engage violence directly as opposed to trying to outwit or simply run away from his enemies.

In part, I’ve always put that down to the series’ origins as children’s television, and the oft-repeated advice you receive as a child that bullies should be “stood up to” without violence per se, with the implied bravery in doing so forcing them to back down. The Doctor, then, becomes an analog for the viewer with the Daleks, Zygons or whatever other creature of the week transformed into whatever threat the audience requires them to be at the time. The unstated lesson being, You’re okay: If he can handle this, you can handle anything.

Other pop culture heroes fulfill some level of wish-fulfillment or another, but the Doctor is one of the few heroes who comes across as genuinely aspirational for viewers. Perhaps more importantly, he’s also one of very few characters specifically created with that goal in mind that ended up successful enough to stick around for decades. True, the Doctor may be an alien in the mythology of the series, but somehow he remains less “other” as, say, James Bond, Indiana Jones or even Batman, with his defining qualities being ones that can be more easily assumed by fans than any of those other heroes.

Admittedly, yes, Doctor Who is a sci-fi show that deals with all manner of fantastical elements on weekly basis, but the lead character’s identifying characteristics remain theoretically attainable for the audience: Curiosity, good humor, and intelligence. That’s it; that’s what “makes” the Doctor. You can take him out of the TARDIS and strip him of his sonic screwdriver, and he remains just as heroic — and, arguably, just as potent a character — as he would be otherwise. He doesn’t need a lifetime of training, any life-changing tragedy or a particular ability (or superpower!) to do what he does. He just needs to have the right attitude.

This is also the purpose of the companion, to an extent — more often than not, they’re everyday characters like the viewers who survive and thrive through the storylines because of sharing the Doctor’s attitude towards everything: Ask questions, remain open to possibilities and don’t give in to your worst instincts.

That optimism and embrace of what could be out there — instead of treating the same with fear or suspicion — is what has kept Doctor Who alive in the hearts of fans and viewers for five decades now. What “The Day of the Doctor” did was to spotlight the kindness and possibility at the heart of the character, and reinforce what makes him at once so unique within the fictional space and so inspirational out here in the real world. Happy Birthday, Doctor. May you keep inspiring for another 50 years.

Posted on

Work Not In Progress: The LEGO Movie

Another abandoned spec piece, on The LEGO Movie. This one wasn’t coming together either, and the more I think about it now, weeks after writing it, the more I think that I was writing out of my ass and didn’t have a real conclusion to build towards. Good thing I gave up.

In some ways, it’s difficult to parse the success of The LEGO Movie, especially after its surprise second weekend at the top of the U.S. box office despite high-profile competition from the remakes of About Last Night (A movie that should have benefited from its Valentine’s Day timing) and RoboCop.

On the one hand, it’s easy to be cynical and dismiss it as another case of a successful grab at a movie market fueled in large part by nostalgia for childhood things — LEGO, after all, is probably a more common and fondly-remembered part of many childhoods than comic book heroes like Iron Man or the toy-cartoon hybrids of Transformers and G.I. Joe (If nothing else, it’s arguably one of the few childhood brands to be given the big screen treatment that wasn’t primarily aimed at a male audience first time around).

And yet, there has to be more going on than just appealing to happy memories, doesn’t there? Don’t get me wrong; the movie shamelessly plays on nostalgia in very particular ways — the spaceman’s cracked helmet being my favorite of the small shout outs that has to be familiar to anyone familiar with that toy — but if all that was required to make a movie a smash hit was a basic recognition of a particular brand, Taylor Kitsch wouldn’t be bemoaning the decision to take a role in Battleship right now.

It helps that The LEGO Movie is also a good movie, something that Battleship could hardly claim. Then again, we all know by now that quality is rarely an indicator for success — insert your own “Best Movie Cruelly Shunned By Mainstream Audiences” here as proof. In fact, it’s arguably true that we’ve come to a point where the opposite is true, these days; that a good movie being a hit on the scale of LEGO is more of a surprise than the alternative. Our smashes are movies that we hope to enjoy, instead of love, to make a small but important distinction.

Posted on

Begin the Begin

For no real reason whatsoever, here’s a pitch document that I sent to Time at the start of the month (Minus the pitch that was approved). This is the kind of format I work in for them, although it tends to evolve (I don’t always do pros and cons, for example).

– With Back to the Future being revived as a musical in London by the same producers as the Ghost revival/musical, a list suggesting other 1980s movies that are ready for musical revival (Short Circuit! Big! Cocoon!) with accompanying plot pitches and suggestions for song titles, show-stopping scenes/numbers, etc.
Pros: Fast piece, potential for nostalgic appeal.
Cons: Even if it ran on Tues (assuming approved today, written Mon), would that be too late for halo effect of announcement? Also, too niche?

– Op-ed about Sherlock’s season finale and fan-service in the new mainstream. For want of not spoiling the finale of the new Sherlock season (airing Sunday), there’s a lot of… pandering, perhaps, to those who have been paying very close attention to the season as a whole. This isn’t a new thing for Steven Moffat; his Doctor Who is built around the same model, with plots that require a lot of either close focus throughout or accepting that some things will have to be taken on trust in the finale. I’m stuck wondering whether this is the next generation of what could be called the Lost model of serialized TV: something that rewards obsessives, arguably alienates fans and builds brand loyalty through that very divide — creating a them and us mentality.
Pros: I don’t think people have really addressed this a lot, despite all the Sherlock attention?
Cons: Will people care about Sherlock post-end of S3?

– Related: Why aren’t people attacking Downton Abbey for being misogynistic this season? Are they, and I just haven’t seen it? The way the show writes its female characters is insane — Mary needs men to tell her to get past her grief, Anna gets raped and blames herself, etc. Consider this a stealth pitch, I guess.

[Approved Pitch Removed — but now you see how far down the list it was.]

– Tying in with LEGO movie (2/7), something about LEGO’s return to cultural currency? I feel like that’s happened through selling out, for want of a better way to put it — licensing outside properties and being adapted into video games and animation. LEGO isn’t really about, well, building blocks anymore — it’s a brand based on a visual aesthetic, the appeal of which is at least partially nostalgic. Is that sustainable?
Pros: Topical, something that I’m not sure is being talked about out there — again, unless I’m missing it — excuse to give overview of where LEGO is at right now as a brand/company
Cons: Too dry, perhaps? Do people care about LEGO as a company, especially when they could just watch Chris Pratt as a CGI blockhead?

Posted on

The Previously Ill-Considered Importance of “Previously, On…”

This piece was written on spec for Time, and never used.

After finishing the second season premiere of House of Cards, two thoughts stuck in my head. The first was, of course, related to that thing that happens, the thing that those who’ve seen the episode will immediately know what I’m talking about without my having to spoil it for others here. The second was less obvious: I found myself missing the traditional television “Previously On…” recap at the start of the episode.

There are many reasons why such a recap is absent from the episode, and House of Cards and other Netflix shows in general. The most obvious is that the “binge-viewing” nature of the Netflix model would appear to make recaps unnecessary; more than likely, you’ve watched the previous episode(s) of the series so recently — perhaps even just seconds before the episode you’re watching next — that you don’t need anyone to remind you of the plot.

There’s also the fact that “Previously On…”s can be problematic in general; more often than not, they telegraph the events of what you’re about to watch when summarizing what’s come before. Whatever scenes are chosen to remind the viewer of past events offer hints at what’s about to unfold, especially if those scenes are less-than-obvious selections (Whenever a network show’s pre-episode recap features a guest-star who hasn’t been seen in a few weeks or longer, you can pretty much guarantee that they’re going to show up again within the hour). With the best of intentions, a poorly-constructed “Previously On…” montage can spoil what the episode ahead.

With both complaints in mind, the lack of a recap would appear to be a bonus. Finally, you might be thinking, I don’t have that problem of having to skip past the recap like I do when I was binge-watching The OC on DVD that time. And yet, without it, something seemed to be missing, somehow.

That “something” just might be context. The previous season of House of Cards started a little over eleven months ago, which on a regular television schedule wouldn’t be that big a deal; with an episode released weekly, we’d only have been looking at, what, an eight month gap between seasons? Surely that’s not that long to forget the various balls left in the air by the end of the season. Except, of course, House of Cards was purposefully designed to work outside of a regular television schedule, and for a large percentage of viewers, it’s been almost a year since Frank Underwood’s plans and schemes bore fruit.

When speeding through the first season of the show — or, even, the second season, once it gets going — the unforgiving pace and structure of House of Cards felt like a plus. It didn’t pander to viewers, or pause to offer exposition or explanation; instead, it pushed them to pay attention and keep up, safe in the knowledge that if they didn’t, they could always go back and rematch the episode to catch what they’d missed the first time around.

At the start of the second season, though, that unrelenting focus on forward momentum felt like a problem. I didn’t rewatch the first season before starting on the second, and as a result, I felt lost in certain scenes: Had I met this character before? Was this conversation referring to something I’d known or was it new information? What is going on here?

(That that particular feeling, that moment of concern and uncertainty about not being up-to-date with everything that was happening and temporarily lost in a world that was insular and uninviting, felt oddly appropriate maybe spoke a lot about the world which House of Cards is set inside, with all of the alliances and power plays that we’re not privy to. I doubt that such parallels between confused viewers and confused laymen to the political process is anything more than coincidence, however.)

The problem wasn’t that I didn’t remember the main points of the first year, but that I hadn’t remained as steeped in the minutae of the show as I had been during that first breathless binge watch. I could recognize Frank Underwood, Zoe Barnes and the rest of the main players; I could remember what had happened to Peter Russo. It was more a problem that I didn’t know whether or not I was supposed to recognize Jacqueline Sharp or not, and whether or not we’d previously known that the father of Gillian Cole’s unborn baby was a married man or not.

In Netflix’s defense, there is a special recap episode available for those looking to catch up. Perhaps the problem was that I didn’t realize quite how much I hadn’t remembered, or how unforgiving the first episode of the new season would be in terms of re-entry into the series and the world it takes place in. Throughout the whole episode, however, I remember thinking often that I wished there had been, just once, just for the start of the season, a “Previously On” to act as primer for what’s to come.

Perhaps some things from the old model of television are worth keeping, after all.

Posted on

I Am Iron Metaphor

This just in, from the Disney Vaults: An essay I wrote for Comix Experience’s Onomatoepeia newsletter waaaay back in 2008, just before the opening of the Iron Man movie (The essay was part of a series, originated by the wonderful Jeff Lester, called Fanboy Rampage — a title I later, entirely accidentally, convinced-I’d-come-up-with-it-myself, stole for the blog that started my career. That, hopefully, explains the “Fananoid Ramplog” reference).

Reading it back now, that Civil War II joke… Man, it’s like I just knew that Avengers Vs. X-Men was going to happen at some point, isn’t it…?

Remember “comics”? Once upon a time, they were the way that children were given stories and adventure before television was perfected – And they were also the birthplace of the 21st century’s most successful movie franchise, the Iron Man series! You’ll discover all about the “comic book” and Iron Man’s place in the history of that forgotten medium in tonight’s episode of Fananoid Ramplog!

Hello. I’m Ira Glass Jr., and this is Fananoid Ramplog for today, May 2nd 2058. On today’s show, we’re looking at the history of the most popular fictional character in all human existence, Iron Man. His first movie was released 50 years ago today, changing the course of human history, but it may surprise some of you that Iron Man didn’t get his start in movies. No, in fact the character – as well as all of his supporting characters including shapely secretary Virginia “Pepper” Potts – were actually created for something called comic books. You’ve probably heard all about comics from your grandparents, or perhaps even their parents, but tonight we’re looking at the way that comic books and the armored avenger were, like Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, a match made in an entirely temporary heaven while in preparation for something much better indeed.

Even directly before the opening of the original Iron Man movie, no-one knew quite how important that one motion picture would be to the evolution not only of the entertainment industry, but also all of technology itself. After all, the movie – Iron Man 1: A New, Metallic, Hope, as it’s become known in the years since its release – has been cited by no less an authority than Steve Jobs as the one motivating factor in the creation of Apple’s iSuit:

“I sat there, watching Robert Downey Jr.’s sensitive performance as Anthony Michael Hall Stark, recognizing a lot of myself in his steely portrayal of an exec with a heart of stone and a hide of steel. As Stark moved from soulless war profiteer to soulless superhero in an awesome high tech suit of armor, it’s not too much to say that I had something akin to a religious epiphany, realizing that the previous Apple school of DRM technology and sleek, designer personal computers was entirely corrupt and the wrong way to run a multinational corporation. Who was I to profit off the desire for consumers to buy and listen to music? Especially when I could instead profit off their desire to fly into the blue skies in their own personal awesome high tech suit of armor.”

The iSuit, released in the holiday season of 2008, quickly became the cornerstone of the revitalized Apple empire. Its combination of telephone, music player and mechanical suit with boot jets and repulsor rays proved irresistible to the general public despite the horrific accident at the press launch that resulted in the death of original Iron Man actor Robert Downey Jr. when Jobs accidentally shot him in the face when demonstrating the incredible firepower available to everyone for a surprisingly low price of only $10,000.

(It was, of course, the death of Downey Jr. that allowed friend and fellow scary-eyed actor Joshua Jackson to step into the role of Tony Stark for the following fourteen installments in the series. Jackson’s performance as the homeless, alcoholic Stark in Iron Man 7: Demon In A Bottle, Not Literally, It’s A Metaphor For Alcoholism provoked such critical plaudits as “I almost forgot that he was Pacey in Dawson’s Creek for a second” and “He’s like a young George Clooney, if Clooney has no charm and had starred in Dawson’s Creek for seven years before disappearing into the career wilderness.”)

Iron Man the movie franchise became a futuristic, faceless avatar for technological advancement, but for hardcore Iron Fans, this came as no surprise. The character had always been a chrome-clad personification of the cultural zeitgeist since his creation in whatever form he had appeared in. His video game appearances in the later 1980s and early 1990s were cutting edge examples of the pixel art, and his various forays into animation were, if nothing else, proof that American animation was kind of shoddily acceptable if you were ten years old and bored enough on a Saturday morning to watch Spider-Man and his Amazing Friends. According to cultural historian Ian Shameless-Grudge, however, both of those examples were just shameful additions to his original career as an American comics prime example of the spirit of the times:

“You have to consider that American comics started as a cheap, disposable medium aimed at children and functional illiterates at the time of a great economic depression,” Grudge explains, “and so their characters were almost intentionally simplistic so as to be shaped to fit in with whatever was happening in the larger American tapestry at that time. By the time that famous opportunist Stanley Lieber Lee invented the Iron Man in the early 1960s, that idea had become so ingrained that Iron Man was literally faceless, so perfect was he suited for that role.”

Iron Man’s first appearance before a hungry, if ultimately disinterested, American public came in 1963’s Tales of Suspense #39. In that tale, Lee and artist illustrator Donald J. Heck made Tony Stark an example of the American Dream made good: Rich, handsome, and with a pencil moustache that only Errol Flynn could pull off in real life. But like Flynn and the fractured American psyche of the time, Stark hid a terrible secret: His heart was weak. So weak, in fact, that he had to wear a metal chest plate that he had to continually plug into a wall socket to survive.

Grudge again: “Here, Tony Stark is the American everyman at the dawn of the information age, literally having to plug himself in to everything that is happening at the end of the day. Whether intentionally or unknowingly like some kind of autistic idiot savant, Lee places his hero into a situation with which everyone is familiar. Look, also, at the way in which women are drawn to both his suave demeanor and his Communist-fighting ways. Here, Lee is showing us that it is not enough to be a good American; in order to be truly successful, you must plug yourself into walls and be ruggedly handsome as well.”

For years, Iron Man was the intellectual mechanical bitch of Marvel Comics, who published the character throughout his entire comic history. Aiming to keep interest in the character at a premium, Iron Man slowly and accidentally became the personification of each and every movement in the evolution of American comics as a medium:

  • Superheroes as Socially Relevant Vehicle: As American creators awoke to the idea of their stories becoming vehicles for more weighty subjects, Tony Stark went from being a social drinker to an unforgivable lush who forgets how to shave and, at one point, ends up homeless and sleeping on the streets in the middle of a snowstorm. Fans ate the subject up eagerly, but wondered why he didn’t use his armor to at least fly away to somewhere warmer.
  • Superheroes as Replaceable Suits: Looking to create a sense of excitement over decades-old characters, creators started to kill off and replace their favorite superheroes. The Flash died and was replaced by his sidekick. Green Lantern quit and was replaced by an architect. Captain America quit about seventeen times to be replaced by whoever was nearby, but at the forefront of the movement was, of course, Iron Man. Mixing the replacement vibe with his social relevance, Tony Stark’s alcoholism forced him to step down and be replaced by an old war buddy who was – in a move that demonstrated even more revelance – black. Comics would never be the same again.
  • Superheroes as Slaves To Creators Desperate To Do Anything Gimmicky To Grab Attention For A Failing Medium: As the 1990s and Clinton-era politics destroyed both the comics medium and America as a whole, writers and artists resorted to ever-more outlandish stories to try and stun fans into spending money. Like a mulletted Jesus, Superman died and was born again for our sins. Batman found himself crippled and then healed, and popular blind acrobat Daredevil put on a suit of armor to slow himself down and ruin his hearing with clanking. Again, Iron Man led the way, by turning out to be a mind-controlled murderer who then died, only to be replaced by a teenaged version of himself. Once this storyline saw print, such gimmicking ceased, with the entire medium realizing that it would never be able to top this kind of invention.
  • Superheroes as Crass Political Stand-ins: Realizing the potential for moving political discourse forward using brightly colored characters with a propensity for punching, Marvel Comics’ Civil War storyline forever changed comics by aligning Iron Man with the far-right movement. In a masterstroke, the newly neo-con Iron Man fought the spirit of America Captain America and won, demonstrating the power of the conservative iron fist once and for all. Critics raved about the series and begged for Iron Man to go back in time and kick the crap out of Abraham Lincoln as well, leading to 2009’s Civil War II series.

Sadly, Civil War II – with its stunning conclusion where Iron Man returned to the present only to discover a partially-buried Statue of Liberty on a beach and exclaiming “You maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!” – was the end of the character’s comic book career. In 2010, with a popular movie production arm easily more lucrative than their inbred comic book publishing division, Marvel Comics ceased the publication of their entire comic book line with that apocalyptic conclusion.

Back to Ian Shameless-Grudge: “Quite simply, with the monolithic success of the original Iron Man motion picture, there was no need for Marvel to continue with comic books. For years, their publishing line had been merely there as something to promote and provide additional profit from their movies, and even the failure of all three attempts to make a watchable Hulk movie could not dissuade them from making the decision to move full-time into movie production in 2010. Of course, the fact that Civil War II killed off all of their characters both literally and, thanks to the controversial pornographic interludes in the third to fifth issues illustrated by Greg Horn, in the minds of their fanbase helped that decision to an expected degree.”

Marvel’s first movie following their switch to permanent movie producers was, of course, the second Iron Man movie, Iron Man 2: Electric Boogaloo. This multiple-Academy Award winning movie – including one for Brian Michael Bendis and Larry McMurty’s controversial script depicting Tony Stark as a scientologist coming to terms with his sexuality with the help of new bodyguard Luke Cage – was exactly the kind of smash hit that they had hoped for, and the perfect launch pad for a series of follow-on movies including My Date With Millie, Night Nurse and Halle Berry Is Storm Because She Was Cheap When We Were Making The First X-Men Movie And Now We’re Stuck With Her… all of which started life as a comic book.

Some say that this was a sad ending for the life of the comic book medium, its audience finding cheaper and more satisfying thrills elsewhere when even its own top characters moving into cinema and television productions, but others disagree, claiming that the comic book format had achieved all it could be hoped to achieve – Namely, introducing the world to the particular fetishes of auteur Frank Miller and making Stan Lee into some kind of counter-cultural icon – before simply rolling over and dying in some distinct Darwinian fashion. As ever, we leave the last word to our cultural historian, Ian Shameless-Grudge:

“Now that we’re in the latter half of the 21st Century, it’s astounding to see how much of our culture has come from comic books. You can’t leave your house without running into a mailman trying to wiggle his ears like Willie Lumpkin or hear someone who’s attended the Victor Von Doom School of Rhetoric. The tragedy is, of course, no-one now knows where all of these beautiful ideas have come from. With DC Comics going into bankruptcy following their 2008 Final Crisis series and then Marvel leaving the industry two years later, comics disappeared from the public consciousness just as their ideas moved beyond even the pop culture supremacy that they’d been enjoying at that point. It had long been a belief that the industry would survive without those two publishers, but, sadly, that turned out not to be the case. I would say it was a bad thing, but I’ve read Tarot and Return to Wonderland, and really? Good riddance.”

Posted on

The True Meaning of Christmas Programming

From an abandoned opening for a Time.com piece:

It is, as we’re told so many times during the month of December, the most wonderful time of the year. And yet, there are many who don’t enjoy this holiday season, with all the colorful ephemera that it brings — people who are left cold by stories of Santas and sleighs, or songs with choirs, bells and/or unrestrained sentimentality.

In times past, those people have fallen victim to parody and insult, being satirized as unenlightened Scrooges or miserable Grinches in exactly the kinds of stories that they’d find little use for, if not outright disdain. It’s been a strange response; a childish one, in some ways, akin to thumbing the nose and responding “Well, it wasn’t meant for you anyway” with a pout.

You can understand the impulse behind such a reply — it’s hard not to be defensive when someone criticizes something that appeals to the child in you, after all — but nonetheless, there’s something uncharacteristically cruel about it. If the holiday season is supposed to be one of inclusiveness and kindness, then making fun of those who don’t agree with you behind their backs is surely the kind of thing that should earn you a lump of coal from the jolly fat man with the white beard and fur-trimmed hat.

Posted on

10 Worst Suggestions for Superhero Movie Casting

Written for Newsarama for its Top 10 slot, this never got published because it was just a little too tongue-in-cheek for its own good. Nevertheless, I kind of liked it.

No matter what you think of the idea of Ben Affleck as Batman, we can all come together to wipe some relieved sweat from our collective brow over the fact that, yes, the Justin Bieber is Robin rumor turned out to just be a hoax. After all, Hollywood has a history of coming up with some really, really bad casting ideas based on whoever’s hot at the time, as anyone who remembers Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze can attest to (or, for that matter, Halle Berry’s Catwoman).

True, not all of these bad ideas make it to the final movie — if you think Jim Carrey was a terrible Riddler in Batman Forever, just be glad that Michael Jackson, who was attached to the role earlier, didn’t get the job — but seeing the uproar the Biebster caused with his Robin tease got us thinking: Who else would be entirely unsuitable for a part in a superhero movie — but is famous enough for studios to consider them nonetheless? Here are ten worse case scenarios.

Jason Statham is Alfred
It’s not unrealistic to think that Ben Affleck will need an Alfred when he appears in the sequel to Man of Steel as Bruce Wayne/Batman. If producers decide to follow in the tradition of Geoff Johns and Gary Franks’ Batman: Earth One, then the new Alfred not only has to be English, he also has to be a man of action — who better to fill that role than Statham, whose name is synonymous with the words “Surly English Action Hero That You Don’t Want To Give Too Much Dialogue To”?

Admittedly, at 46, Statham is arguably too young to play the role of Alfred, but that’s what make-up is for. Give him some extra wrinkles and he’ll be fine.

Donald Trump is Thanos
Having, uh, conquered the worlds of real estate and reality television, it’s easy to imagine that Trump would be looking for a new challenge — and, given his history (and ego), it wouldn’t be surprising if he turned his attention to the biggest movie franchise out there right now, and the biggest villain in the biggest movie franchise.

The idea of Trump taking on the role of mad titan Thanos has its charms — yes, he’d have to wear a helmet and therefore his trademark hair would not be visible to audiences, but just imagine the screams of pleasure from audiences as he blasted Captain America with the Infinity Gauntlet while shouting “You’re fired, Captain America!” in Avengers 3.

Paula Deen is Amanda Waller
It’s true that the casting of Deen — the controversial former Food Network star best known these days for her racism and particularly unhealthy recipes, in that order (Seriously, that’s a lot of butter) — as Waller would cause more than a little upset in fan circles. After all, Waller fans have only just gotten used to the new, thin version of the character, and Deen’s body shape might cause dissonance from her comic incarnation (Oh, and she’s white, too).

Consider what Deen would bring to the role, however: Like Waller, she’s a powerful woman, used to being in charge and bossing people around while being generally disliked by those around her. Like it or not, Paula Deen is Amanda Waller — except for all the ways in which she isn’t.

Keanu Reeves is Hank Pym
When you think Keanu Reeves, chances are you immediately think of Neo, the sci-fi savior he played in The Matrix trilogy — or, perhaps, you remember him in the Bill and Ted movies, or Johnny Mnemonic, or even (sudder) Constantine. Clearly, this man has a background in genre movies that should make him a shoo-in for any Marvel or DC movie you could imagine.

Imagine him in the role of Hank Pym, AKA Ant-Man, and marvel (pun intended) at the way with which he could bring the tragic, heroic character to life with his vast emotional range and utter believability as a genius scientist who could invent a size-changing formula! Think of the variety of facial expressions that he could offer as he talked to ants for the first time! This is an idea whose time must come.

Kanye West is Mr. Fantastic
Fact #1: Kanye West is one of the most well-known people on the planet right now, thanks to a musical career that has included six solo albums and a collaboration with Jay-Z, as well as a clothing line, restaurant chain and relationship with Kim Kardashian that keeps him in the tabloids. Fact #2: In the world of the Marvel Universe, Reed Richards — AKA Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four — is also one of the most well-known people on the planet, thanks to being Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four.

Simple science therefore demonstrates that West — who has, surprisingly, yet to make his big-screen acting debut — knows exactly what it’d be like to be Mr. Fantastic in a way that most people could never experience, making him uniquely placed to play the character in Fox’s upcoming Fantastic Four movie reboot. Plus, come on: Could Kanye really pass up the chance to call himself “Mr. Fantastic”?

Beyonce is the Scarlet Witch
The idea of a new actor joining the Avengers cast for 2015’s Avengers: Age of Ultron has to be daunting. After all, the other actors have all been through the experience of the first movie’s mammoth success already, something that would make it hard for most newcomers to empathize with. If only there were someone who had experienced amazing success herself who could step into the role of Wanda Maximoff, AKA the Scarlet Witch… Oh, wait.

The artist formerly known as Sasha Fierce has, after all, already appeared in movies — who can forget her classic The Pink Panther remake from 2006, or the fact that she was in DreamgirlsEither member of Daft Punk is the Vision
Let’s face it — sometimes, you need to go left-field in your casting choices to get attention for your movie. That’s a lesson that Joss Whedon already knows, which lead to the announcement that James Spader would play Ultron in Avengers: Age of Ultron a few weeks back (as well as his surely upcoming announcement of Beyonce as the Scarlet Witch). But what if he went even more out there for a surprise casting announcement?

We don’t know that the Vision will make an appearance in Age of Ultron yet, but it’s certainly not something that’s outside the realm of possibility — So why not ask one of French electronic duo Daft Punk to play the character? It’s a perfect crossover moment: They already pretend to be robots, so it wouldn’t be a great stretch for whichever one took the gig, and just imagine how great the soundtrack they’d inevitably produce as part of the deal would sound.

One Direction are Rick Jones and the Teen Brigade
The success of Mark Ruffalo as Bruce Banner in last year’s Avengers movie almost guaranteed that we’ll see another Hulk movie at some point soon, despite many denials of such a plan. You can understand why Marvel would be shy about the idea — both solo Hulk movies so far have been flops in the grand scheme of things.

That’s why adding in pop phenomenon One Direction is a no-brainer — their very presence would guarantee the kind of box office success that made their concert film win the box office battle of Labor Day weekend. Also, having them play Rick Jones and the Teen Brigade would allow Marvel to finally bring in the fan-favorite character (and his underage posse) to the cinematic universe once and for all. It’s a win-win!

Miley Cyrus is Captain Marvel
Some might say that Cyrus isn’t the first choice to play Carol Danvers, the hard-nosed former US Air Force pilot turned super hero and Avenger, being only 20 years old and, you know, a Hannah Montana veteran instead of someone who flew planes for a living. To those people, there’s just one thing to say: You’re missing the obvious.

First off, working for the Mouse on a property like Hannah Montana is just like being in the military, as anyone who’s been through either experience will surely tell you. Secondly, Cyrus has been working for some time to try and alter her public persona from teen idol to something more mature and developed, meaning that she’s primed to stretch herself on a role such as Danvers. And thirdly and most importantly, she’s already got the hair, and that’s the most important thing. Cyrus for Marvel? You know it makes sense.

Lady Gaga is Wonder Woman
Wonder Woman is the kind of iconic role that is almost terrifying to try and fill. What woman has the kind of self-belief, confidence and standing to step into the boots — once bright red, now dark blue for some inexplicable reason — without feeling just a little bit worried that she won’t live up to the expectations of millions of fans around the world?

Perhaps a woman like Strefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta — better known to the world as Lady Gaga. She’s ideally placed to be a modern Wonder Woman, having already adopted an alternate identity, been named as one of the world’s most powerful women by Forbes Magazine and one of the world’s most influential figures by Time. She even shares Wonder Woman’s love of humanitarian causes and self-empowerment and (as can be seen by her stage outfits) has no fear of dressing up in ridiculous and revealing outfits for her work.

Warner Bros., it’s understandable that you’re overwhelmed by the potential of the Wonder Woman property. Just give the role — and creative control of the entire project — to Lady Gaga. She’ll take care of everything for you, and make sure that no-one ever complains that there’s no Wonder Woman movie ever again.

Posted on

Embarrassed By My (Not-So-Young) Youth, Part 23

In a moment that’s oddly fitting — or, at least one that’s demonstrative of my weeks these days — I ended up being too busy to remember that this past Wednesday was the 10th anniversary of the start of Fanboy Rampage!!!, the blog that started me down the road to my current career. I’d meant to do something to mark the anniversary, but could never quite work out what that something would be, which says something about the weird way with which I regard the blog now.

My feelings towards it are complicated but mostly affectionate, if only because it’s FBR that directly led to Newsarama and to io9, from which everything else followed. Without that blog, without that shamelessness and self-righteousness and everything that came from it, I wouldn’t be where I am today, etc. But, man. That that was 10 years ago makes me feel weird, both in the sense of “I’m so old now,” and also “I was as old as 29 when I started it?”

Happy Belated Birthday Rampage!!! You know I love you really.

Posted on

One More Thing

The first draft for a thing for Time that ended up being rewritten from scratch and, bizarrely, about an entirely different television show altogether (although, if/when it goes live, you will see mention of Columbo in there).

***

Somehow, more than four decades after the fact, I have become entirely addicted to Columbo.

It’s tempting to point to Netflix as being at least one of the causes for my current quasi-need to watch old, more-than-a-little hokey television crime shows made even before I was born. After all, if it wasn’t for their ease of availability — The first seven seasons of the show are right there for the streaming right now, each episode featuring at least one familiar face wildly protesting their innocence despite their being the guilty party — I doubt that I’d currently be in the predicament I’m in, spending at least a couple of evenings a week watching Peter Falk bumble his way through investigations.

Of course, Netflix has all manner of material on offer that I’ve yet to end up hopelessly hooked on, so I can’t throw all of the blame in that direction. I should also blame the Nerdist Writers Panel and whichever guest talked about the series in hushed, reverential tones (I’ve long forgotten, sadly). It was, she said, a great example of American Class War fiction, with the working man constantly unraveling schemes of those who consider themselves above not only the laws of the land, but morality itself. Hearing that description, how could I do anything but watch the pilot episode?

What I found when doing so was something that seemed so unusual and curious that I went into the second episode almost immediately after, thinking Well, they can’t keep this up all the time, only to find out that, not only can they, they do. The more episodes I watch — I’m midway through the third season already, appallingly — the more I marvel at the way in which Columbo is, in many ways, the murder mystery show that can’t quite help but contradict the genre over and over again.

Let’s start with the most obvious break from the norm: There is no mystery in this murder mystery, with each episode showing the murder in its opening act. That changes the shape of everything that follows in ways that aren’t even immediately apparent; not only is there no need for the viewer to try and guess the murderer’s identity, but showing the murderer and murderee interact straight away removes any need to waste any more time later on with exposition regarding motive. Furthermore, Columbo also does away with the traditional red herrings as the cops track down dead lead after dead lead, because again: We already know who did it, so why bother?

It’s also a show that happily ditches another important detective story tradition, by removing the cult of personality surrounding the detective. As viewers, we have no idea who Columbo is, any more than the murderers do. Sure, he talks about his home life a lot, but the one thing that the show makes clear over and over again is that Columbo will do or say anything to get people to lower their guard. For all we know, his wife is as fictitious as his bumbling persona and scatterbrained forgetfulness. We never go home with him after the case is over, so we have no proof about anything that he’s saying.

But how could we follow him home after the case is over when every episode ends with the arrest of the murderer? It’s a weird storytelling choice, and one that I keep coming back to again and again. On the one hand, it makes a lot of sense — Each episode opens with the murder and closes with the murderer being discovered; there’s some sense of symmetry there– but, at the same time, the viewer is robbed a particular sense of closure as a result. No scenes of everyone else laughing and reassuring us that they’re going to be okay in this show; the bad guy gets caught, but everything else is left unknown and up to the viewers’ imaginations.

It all adds up to a show that should be cold and far less likable than it actually is. I find myself wondering, with increasing frequency, what Columbo would be like without Peter Falk in the title role, and suspect that the answer is “a show that would’ve been cancelled in its first season.” There’s so much about Columbo that pushes against everything that has been proven, over and over, to “work,” and yet it works nonetheless. There’s a lesson here that should be remembered by everyone in television: When you have someone so charismatic at the center of your work to win the audience over so effortlessly, it’s a license to play with everything else without anyone even noticing.