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Have To Be

I’m very bad at letting go of things, once I’ve set my mind to them. For all that I can be indecisive in the moment (read: “for all that I am indecisive,” but I’m being kind to myself and downplaying it), once I actually manage to make up my mind on a course of action, there’s a fair chance that I’m going to become more attached to that decision than I mean to, and find myself holding onto that choice no matter what lies ahead. I don’t mean to be like this, and in fact, I try not to be — change is good, I tell myself, and I mostly believe it — but, nonetheless, there it is: this is who I am, or at least can be, more often than not.

I say thing as someone who had a moment of realization the other week coming from a reality TV show. If I was a more intelligent man, or at least a more egotistical one, I’d feel embarrassed about the source of this epiphany, but fuck it. I was watching Netflix’s Next Gen Chef, which is essentially What If Top Chef, But They Were A Little Younger And With Less Impressive Resumes? It’s a fun enough show, and I’m a sucker for this kind of thing, but it wasn’t something I went into hoping for any kind of particular self-reflection, or a moment that I’d still be thinking about weeks later.

The gimmick for the show is, it’s a cooking competition that takes place inside the Culinary Institute of America, and the CIA teachers act as mentors for the contestants throughout the show. A slight change from the traditional format, but a useful one; the mentors get to help out, act as sounding boards in moments of uncertainty and, for the viewer, explain things and offer sarcasm when it’s called for.

So, the show hits that traditional cooking show moment that every season gets to at least once a season: a chef is trying to make a particular meal and it all goes to shit. An ingredient fails, and the chef starts spiraling because everything is ruined and they don’t know what to do. Except, in this case, the mentor shows up and asks what’s happened and, after being filled in, asks the most obvious question: Does it have to be that dish?I

It really is such a straightforward question, and such an unsurprising thought — you’re trying this thing and it’s not working out, so try something else — but what stuck with me was the question itself, more than the idea of “start over.” Does it have to be the thing that you’ve been focusing on? Why don’t you look at what you’ve got that works and think about what else can be done with it? What might even be better, all things considered?

That’s what I’ve started asking myself when I can feel myself getting fixated on a particular idea or a particular feeling about how something is “supposed” to happen. Does it have to be that way? Sometimes the answer is yes; sometimes, it’s “it doesn’t have to, but I’d still like it to be,” and that’s fine too. What matters more is the asking, and the forgiveness and grace implied in being willing to say no and change everything without giving myself a hard time.

It’s a small step, and one that I suspect other people make without any kind of self-reflection at all; but it’s a nice change for me.

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The Sounds of 2025: The Walk To The Show Edition

It struck me, admittedly too long after the fact, that the music I was listening to as I walked to the Javits Center each day of this year’s New York Comic Con was a surprisingly good read on where my mood was for each of those days. I was, to put it politely, low key terrified about how this year’s show would go purely because last year’s NYCC was a very stressful affair for me on any number of levels; even the prospect that this year’s could have compared was enough to leave me pre-emptively exhausted and upset even before I set foot in New York again.

(It was not that bad; in fact, as I told someone Sunday night with no small amount of surprise, I actually think it went well, which… I didn’t see coming…?)

Anyway – the playlists of my (short) walk to the convention center each of the mornings of the show:

Wednesday

Day one — technically, day zero, because it’s an industry-only day that is open only to comic professionals while much of the show is still being constructed elsewhere — and this song felt as much like psychic protection as statement of intent: “Getting used to say no is cunty” and “Setting boundaries is cunty” is the kind of message that my subconscious was probably screaming listen to this before you end up with a full day, none of which is your actual work. Feel the stress at play!

Thursday

Again, the stress is in play, and what better sums up the lowkey mania of expecting to walk into a day of chaos (it was, to no small degree) than a rowdy quasi-punk song that has a bunch of people shouting “Keeping the dream/keeping the dream/keeping the dream alive!” over and over again? (I did think, as I was listening to this, that there’s no small amount of irony to me listening to that chant as I was walking into a show based around fandom where the dream is all encompassing.)

Friday

Like I said, Thursday was a pretty rough day for behind the scenes reasons, and I went into the show Friday aware that I needed to psych myself up. Enter, then, De La Soul demanding that I rock it like rocket fuel. I adore this song and very particularly chose it in an attempt to get myself in the fightin’ mood for everything that may have laid ahead. It worked, as far as attempts to get myself in the mood go — but as things worked out, Friday was nowhere near as bad as I’d feared anyway. Maybe DJ Shadow et al worked magic I didn’t even see coming.

Saturday

No prep music on Saturday; I had breakfast and walked to the show with a friend. (I can’t even imagine what I would have listened to, had the option been available.)

Sunday

It was at this point where I knew, oddly, that things were going to be okay and I was perhaps even having a good show. By which I mean, I was maybe a minute into this song and I could feel myself relax and I thought, oh wait, things are better, aren’t they? This song is a piece of magic for me, something that lets me know that there are good things out there and joy and happiness in the world. From 31 seconds in through, maybe, the 1:44 mark, it’s literally perfection for me and, again, I chose this song without thinking and it felt as if it was a sign from my subconscious that everything was going well and I could exhale and breathe normally again.

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Flavor Profiles

I was eating toast, of all things, when I was struck by a very particular sense memory. Specifically, the toast I was eating suddenly tasted like the toasted rolls I had when I was a kid back in Scotland, and I was 12 years old again and eating the rolls in the kitchen of the house I grew up in. The sensation of eating childhood food again — even though I wasn’t, or at least, not exactly — sent my brain tumbling down a particular staircase that ended up with me suddenly realizing that there are all manner of flavors I’ll never taste ever again in my life.

When I was a kid, I had very specific favorite foods; it wasn’t just that I liked a particular dish, but I liked a particular dish as made at a particular restaurant or made by a particular person. I’m not sure if this was a latent super-taster tendency that dropped off later in life or simply being a particularly picky kid, but there were things that I loved that I knew very clearly that I would love even more so if came from one specific source. (I say “restaurant,” but I was a kid in Scotland; really, I mean “takeout place.” It’s where we all went; don’t judge. There is barely any Scottish cuisine if you remove the fish and chip shops, dammit.)

I remember with the utter certainty of a surly teenager that I loved shell pies but I particularly loved the ones from a local Italian takeaway. Was it really that different, or was I just oddly particular? I couldn’t tell you, looking back, although they probably used a different fat or flavoring to make it taste slightly different in a way that I preferred; the restaurant has changed hands — and maybe closed, then re-opened, if I remember correctly? — in the literal decades since I left the country, and the odds that I’d ever be able to eat that particular shell pie again are catastrophically slim.

Same with the frozen potato Alphabites — literally, fries but in the shapes of letters — that I loved so much, same with the slice sausage sandwiches my parents made, same with so many other foods that were favorites and so central to the hellscape that was my diet back in the day. All these foods that were comfort foods, things that could make my day better in almost any circumstance at the time. They’re all gone forever.

That’s probably a good thing; I can imagine revisiting some of them now and going, oh, this is terrible and then being embarrassed that I’d ever loved it so much in the first place. And yet, I find myself mourning those flavors more than a little. They did me a lot of good, way back when.

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You Say I’m Puttin’ You On

As I write this, it’s a week earlier and I’m still days away from flying to New York for NYCC 2025. Nonetheless, it’s happened; the same thing that happens every year around this time: my body decides that sleep is for the weak.

I think what actually is happening is that I’m beginning to get stressed enough about the trip — or, really, the workload that’s waiting for me during the trip; the travel itself is neither here nor there, given how little of New York I’ll get to see that isn’t my hotel or the convention center — that I’m tense enough that something in me can’t last more than six hours a night before waking up. It’s been every night for the last week — I make it about six hours of sleep, no matter when I fall asleep, and then I’m awake. Maybe I’ll get six and a half if I’m really tired, but that’s it. It’s time to wake up.

What happens when I wake up is that I make small, ridiculous deals with myself: I won’t actually do anything about being awake before 5am, because then I’m at least trying to go back to sleep, as unsuccessful as it may be. (It’ll be unsuccessful.) I can read in bed, but anything else would be giving in to the fact that I’m awake, so I hold off. (That said, I’m writing this at 5:30.) I refuse to actually get up until 7am. All of these little things to fight the fact that, for a week or so, sleep is an even more temporary than usual refuge from everything that’s going on around me.

It’ll get worse during the trip, because my sleep always suffers during convention trips. There was one Seattle trip — Seattle! No time zone weirdness at all! — where I didn’t sleep past 4am for the entire thing, and then just had to push through based on sheer will and stubborness, just because I was on the entire time, workwise. If I’m lucky, I might be so tired because of this current bout of sleeplessness that I’ll collapse the first night, absolutely exhausted and reset the whole thing.

Yes, my definition of “luck” shifts when I’m on a work trip, why do you ask?

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After These Messages

It’s the start of New York Comic Con 2025 as you’re reading this, and I am most likely somewhere in the Javits Center working hard enough that I forget to eat at least one meal during the entire week. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

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Four Random Thoughts on Turning 51

  • I can’t explain why, but 51 feels like “the second half,” not that I believe for a second that I’ll make it to 100 years old. But I kept thinking that this birthday marked a shift into a different era or phase or something similarly melodramatic, not that I know what it actually could mean or truly believe that it’s actually a thing beyond being in my head. On the plus side, I’m not calling it “the downhill slide.” Well, not yet.
  • It’s actually nice not to be 50 anymore. For the entirely of that year, I felt as if the year was somehow meaningful, or that I should be doing something special with it, and all I was doing was… living my life? It was the half-century mark and a round number and surely that had some kind of deeper meaning, and what was I doing? Well… working, and taking care of every day stuff, and seeing friends, and the usual. But shouldn’t I have been doing more, I thought to myself on an all-too-regular basis? (Not really, and with what time? And yet.) I look forward to not putting that odd internal pressure on myself.
  • I do wonder if I’ll stop calling myself “old” so much this year. For some reason, I complained to friends — you know who you are — that I was “old” after turning 50, prompting them all to make faces and say things like “50 isn’t old” even though they were a decade or so away from it themselves. I get what they’re saying, and if I’m entirely honest, I don’t actually feel old, and yet for the last year, I’ve self-consciously been arguing the opposite and I’m not entirely sure why. Hopefully, that’ll fall away now.
  • I almost forgot my birthday this year. Prep for New York — I leave tomorrow — and other things just got in the way, and so I didn’t really think about it much, to the annoyance of people who’d ask if I wanted anything in particular as a present. That was oddly lovely, and I’m wondering if it’s going to be a new tradition. (Not the reasons for forgetting, but the forgetting.)

In short: What a relief.

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The Movies of September 2025

September proved to be a very strange month, in terms of viewing — movies, especially. I watched fewer than usual, because I was watching more television. (Next Gen Chef and Peacemaker in particular, ate up a lot of my month in front of the screen.) But I also just… watched less, in general? I found that I couldn’t really settle into what I was watching often because my head was filled with work stuff or some other distraction, so I abandoned a lot of movies not listed below, unsatisfied and frustrated.

That said, I still managed to finish 28 Years Later, a movie I genuinely disliked intensely, so… there’s that, I guess…?

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The Comics of September 2025

Usually, there’s some through line of my comic book reading, but this past month… not so much? I think the most noteworthy thing might have been a low key Kieron Gillen binge — The Power Fantasy, but also revisiting Phonogram, which apparently I do every couple of falls (The Wicked + The Divine is next, of course; Phonogram as superheroes) — and revisiting the latter Frank Miller Dark Knight stuff, which both holds up better than you might expect but also has so much less weight, comparatively. The Golden Child is by far the best of it, a fever dream of a superhero comic that isn’t weighed down by undoing the previous two series like Dark Knight III is.

(Wait, I did basically read all of Matt Fraction’s Invincible Iron Man run, all… 60-odd issues of it…? Well, aside from the first six issues that I read in August.)

The month ahead is going to be a weird one, as Octobers tend to be: the New York Comic Con of it all will be so exhausting — and so lengthy — that I’ll likely spend a week or so not reading, so… we’ll see how all of this turns out, all told. Anyway. Here’s what I read last month.

  1. The Immortal Hulk #13
  2. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #7
  3. Hawkeye (2012) #8
  4. JLA: Incarnations #7
  5. Titans 2025 Annual #1
  6. The Immortal Hulk #14
  7. The New Gods (2024) #10
  8. Justice League Red #2
  9. Wonder Woman (2023) #25
  10. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #8
  11. Uncanny X-Men (2011) #s 2-3
  12. The Immortal Hulk #15
  13. Wolverine & The X-Men (2011) #2
  14. Daredevil (2011) #s 1-2
  15. The Punisher (2011) #1
  16. All-New Venom #10
  17. The Amazing Spider-Man (2025) #11
  18. Avengers (2023) #30
  19. Doctor Strange (2025) #450
  20. Imperial War: Exiles #1
  21. It’s Jeff! & Other Marvel Tails #1
  22. Spider-Man ‘94 #1
  23. Uncanny X-Men (2024) #20
  24. The Legion of Super-Heroes (1980) #s 307-310
  25. The Immortal Hulk #16
  26. Daredevil (2011) #3
  27. The Punisher (2011) #2
  28. Uncanny X-Men (2011) #4
  29. Wolverine & The X-Men (2011) #3
  30. Hawkeye (2012) #9
  31. Uncanny X-Men (2011) #5
  32. Wolverine & The X-Men (2011) #4
  33. In The Days of the Ace Rock & Roll Club
  34. Alec: Episodes from the Life of Alec MacGarry
  35. The Immortal Hulk #s 17-18
  36. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #9
  37. Uncanny X-Men (2011) #6
  38. Wolverine & The X-Men (2011) #s 5-7
  39. Magneto: Not A Hero #s 1-4
  40. The Legion of Super-Heroes (1980) #311
  41. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #s 10-11
  42. Hawkeye (2012) #s 10-11
  43. The Immortal Hulk #s 19-20
  44. Iron Man (2012) #s 25-26
  45. Daredevil (2011) #4
  46. The Punisher (2011) #3
  47. The Immortal Hulk #s 21-22
  48. Uncanny X-Men (2011) #s 7-8
  49. Iron Man (2012) #s 27-28
  50. The Immortal Hulk #s 23-24
  51. Original Sin: Iron Man vs. Hulk #s 1-4
  52. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #s 12-19
  53. The Legion of Super-Heroes (1980) #s 312-313
  54. Action Comics (1938) #544
  55. Superman/Batman (2010) #6
  56. The Immortal Hulk #s 25-27
  57. Transformers (2023) #24
  58. 2000 AD Progs 2449-2450
  59. The Immortal Hulk #s 28-33
  60. Daredevil (2011) #5
  61. Closer #1
  62. Daredevil 2011) #6
  63. The Punisher (2022) #4
  64. The Immortal Hulk #34
  65. Hawkeye (2011) #12
  66. Hawkeye Annual (2012) #1
  67. World’s Finest (1999) #s 1-3
  68. The Immortal Hulk #s 35-39
  69. The New History of the DC Universe #3
  70. Superman (2023) #30
  71. Justice League Unlimited (2024) #11
  72. Justice League: The Omega Act Special #1
  73. One World Under Doom #7
  74. The Punisher: Red Band #1
  75. The Undead Iron Fist #1
  76. Imperial War: Nova Centurion #1
  77. 3W3M: Foundations
  78. Love Everlasting #s 11-15
  79. Captain America (2025) #3
  80. Absolute Green Lantern #7
  81. Detective Comics (1937) #s 583-584 (First Wagner/Grant issues)
  82. The Immortal Hulk #s 40-42
  83. King in Black: Immortal Hulk #1
  84. The Immortal Hulk (2020) #0
  85. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #20
  86. Detective Comics (1937) #s 585-586
  87. The Immortal Hulk #43
  88. Batman/Superman: World’s Finest #43
  89. Titans (2023) #27
  90. Superman Unlimited #5
  91. The Flash (2023) #25
  92. Weird War Tales #s 42-44
  93. Superman (1939) #295
  94. The Immortal Hulk #s 44-50
  95. Detective Comics (1937) #s 575-576 (Year Two parts 1 & 2)
  96. Cheetah and Cheshire Rob the Justice League #3
  97. Superman: Leviathan Rising #1 (Jimmy Olsen story only)
  98. Detective Comics (1937) #587
  99. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #21
  100. Uncanny X-Men (2011) #9
  101. The Incredible Hulk (2023) #1
  102. SWORD (2020) #s 1-2
  103. Artificial #1
  104. 2000 AD Prog 2451
  105. Mechanics (1st Jaime Hernandez L&R)
  106. Detective Comics (1937) #s 588-589
  107. Superman’s Pal, Jimmy Olsen (2019) #1
  108. Star Trek: Celebrations 
  109. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #22
  110. World’s Finest (1999) #4
  111. Trinity: Daughter of Wonder Woman #s 1-3
  112. DC Worlds Collide #1
  113. SWORD (2020) #3
  114. Detective Comics (1937) #590
  115. Batman (1940) #s 655-658
  116. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #s 23-24
  117. SWORD (2020) #4
  118. JSA (2024) #12
  119. Adventures of Superman: Book of El #1
  120. X-Men of Apocalypse: Alpha #1
  121. World’s Finest (1999) #5
  122. New X-Men (2001) #114 (First Grant Morrison)
  123. Valkyrie: Jane Foster #s 5-6
  124. New X-Men (2001) #s 115-116
  125. Trinity (1993) #1
  126. Weird War Tales (1971) #s 22, 23, 30, 32, 40, 46-49, 53, 64, 68, 69, 123 (Day After Doomsday stories only)
  127. The House of Secrets (1956) #s 86, 95, 97, 318 (Day After Doomsday stories only)
  128. The Unexpected #s 215, 221 (Day After Doomsday stories only)
  129. Strange Adventures (1950) #117
  130. New X-Men (2001) #117
  131. New X-Men Annual 2001 #1
  132. New X-Men (2001) #118
  133. Weird Mystery Tales #1
  134. World’s Finest (1999) #6
  135. Batman (1940) #s 663-665
  136. Detective Comics (1937) #591
  137. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #25
  138. Uncanny X-Men (2011) #10
  139. Wolverine & The X-Men (2011) #8
  140. The Power Fantasy #1
  141. Deadpool/Batman #1
  142. Amazing Spider-Man (2025) #12
  143. Fantastic Four (2025) #3
  144. The Incredible Hulk (2023) #29
  145. Marvel Zombies: Red Band #1
  146. New X-Men (2001) #s 119-122
  147. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #26
  148. The Power Fantasy #2
  149. Detective Comics (1937) #592
  150. New X-Men (2001) #s 123-124
  151. SWORD (2020) #5
  152. The Power Fantasy #3
  153. New X-Men (2001) #s 125-126
  154. The Power Fantasy #s 4-5
  155. World’s Finest (1999) #s 7-8
  156. New X-Men (2001) #127
  157. SWORD (2020) #6
  158. LEGION (1989) #s 40-41
  159. Guardians of the Galaxy (2020) #5
  160. DC K.O. #1
  161. The Power Fantasy #s 6-11
  162. Blood Syndicate: Season One #s 1-2
  163. Gotham City Sirens: Unfit for Orbit #1
  164. Catwoman (1993) #38
  165. Robin: Year One #1
  166. Batgirl: Year One #1
  167. Green Arrow: The Wonder Year #1
  168. Dark Knight III: The Master Race #1
  169. All Star Batman & Robin, The Boy Wonder #1
  170. Superman: Year One #1
  171. Guardians of the Galaxy (2020) #s 6-7
  172. Dark Knight III: The Master Race #2
  173. New X-Men (2001) #s 128-131
  174. World’s Finest (1999) #9
  175. DC Universe: Legacies #s 1-4
  176. 2000 AD Prog 2452
  177. World’s Finest (1999) #10
  178. New X-Men (2001) #s 132-134
  179. Robin: Year One #2
  180. New X-Men (2001) #s 135-138
  181. Superman Unlimited #6
  182. The New Gods (2024) #11
  183. Titans (2023) #28
  184. Batman/Superman: World’s Finest #44
  185. Eternals (2021) #1
  186. Phonogram #s 1-3
  187. Young Avengers (2013) #1
  188. Dark Knight III: The Master Race #3
  189. DC Universe: Legacies #s 5-6
  190. Judgment Day: Alpha #1
  191. Judgment Day: Omega #1
  192. Phonogram #s 4-6
  193. Phonogram: The Singles Club #s 1-7
  194. Judgment Day: Final Judgment #1
  195. Awesome Holiday Special 1997 #1 (Youngblood story only)
  196. Dark Knight Returns: The Golden Child #1
  197. Detective Comics (1937) #2
  198. Secret Origins (1986) #40 
  199. Blue Beetle (1967) #s 1-2
  200. Death of the Silver Surfer #4
  201. Ultimate Hawkeye #1
  202. X-Men (2024) #22
  203. Battleworld #1
  204. The Moral Thor #2
  205. 2000 AD Progs 129-151 (Judge Dredd stories only)
  206. New X-Men (2001) #s 139-141
  207. Guardians of the Galaxy (2020) #s 8-9
  208. Jeff Week 2025 Infinity Comic #s 1-2
  209. Dark Knight III: The Master Race #4
  210. DC Universe: Legacies #s 7-8
  211. Dark Knight Returns: The Last Crusade #1
  212. New X-Men (2001) #s 142-145
  213. Astonishing Avengers Infinity Comic #5
  214. Dark Knight III: The Master Race #5
  215. DC Universe: Legacies #s 9-10
  216. New X-Men (2001) #s 146-150
  217. Dark Knight III: The Master Race #6
  218. Phonogram: The Immaterial Girl #1
  219. Detective Comics (1937) #593
  220. Batman (1940) #666
  221. New X-Men (2001) #s 151-156
  222. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #444
  223. Death of X #1
  224. 2000 AD Prog 224-228 (Judge Dredd stories only)
  225. X-Treme X-Men (2001) #1
  226. X-Men: The Hidden Years #1
  227. X-Men Forever (2009) #s 1-2
  228. Detective Comics (1937) #594
  229. Dark Knight III: The Master Race #7
  230. Phonogram: The Immaterial Girl #s 2-6
  231. Jeff Week 2025 Infinity Comic #s 3-4
  232. X-Men Forever (2009) #s 3-5
  233. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #s 27-28
  234. Justice League Red #3
  235. Die #1
  236. X-Men Forever (2009) #s 6-8
  237. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #s 29-33
  238. 2000 AD Prog 2453
  239. Dark Knight III: The Master Race #s 8-9
  240. Catwoman (1993) #s 1-2
  241. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #s 500-500.1 (Renumbering)
  242. Absolute Evil #1
  243. G.I. Joe (1982) #11
  244. G.I. Joe (2024) #11
  245. Transformers (2023) #25
  246. Detective Comics (1937) #595
  247. Green Lantern Civil Corps Special #1
  248. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #s 501-503
  249. Final Crisis #1
  250. Green Lantern (2023) #16
  251. X-Men Forever (2009) #9
  252. Detective Comics (1937) #s 596-597
  253. Batman (1940) #s 667-669
  254. Die #s 2-4
  255. Guardians of the Galaxy (2020) #s 10-11
  256. Guardians of the Galaxy Annual (2021) #1
  257. Robin: Year One #s 2-4
  258. Final Crisis #s 2-3
  259. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #s 504-509
  260. Die #s 5-6
  261. Detective Comics (1937) #s 598-600
  262. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #510
  263. Final Crisis #s 4-5
  264. The Amazing Spider-Man (2025) #13
  265. Final Crisis #6
  266. Venom (2024) #250 (Renumbering/retitling of All-New Venom)
  267. Final Crisis #7
  268. The Invincible Iron Man (2008) #s 511-527
  269. Die #7