Author: Graeme McMillan

An unexpected result of the death of Gus is that, for the first time in a quarter century, my ex-wife and I have no reason to be in each others’ lives. It’s a simple fact that I’m sure both of us had considered at some point in the past few years since our divorce with differing levels of… excitement? Eagerness? Regret? Some combination of all three, and countless other emotions all tied into a bundle with twigs and twine? (I know that I was certainly aware it was going to happen, and it seems impossible she wasn’t, given who she is.) Nonetheless, now that the moment has actually arrived, it feels curiously anti-climactic.

There was almost no way it couldn’t, of course; we’d split six years earlier (six and a half, almost), and had worked through the emotions and motions of that separation in the years since — we went from anger and recrimination to something approaching amiable friendship, in large part because we were sharing custody of the dogs (and then, after Ernie died, of just the dog, singular. as if that had always been the case). All of the heavy lifting of what it meant to not be in each others’ lives was done at a time when we were, still, in each others’ lives but to a severely diminished extent; it was easier, that way, and felt kinder in some manner as well. We got to get over being mad of each other, scared of each other.

But now, we’re actually properly out of each others’ lives, after 25 years; half my life, and more than half of her’s. It’s a strange thought, that I probably will never hear from her or see her ever again, after everything we shared and once meant to each other, and a sad one, too, despite everything. It feels as if it’s something I’ll have to get used to, just as I get used to never seeing Gus again. A shift in the world that I’ll have to stumble around until I find my footing again.

When we said our final goodbyes, I walked away and almost felt as if I should look back, to see if she was doing the same. It felt silly, self-conscious and I didn’t do it; thinking back now, I wish I had, for reasons I can’t even start to understand or explain.

Despite the flu knocking me for a loop for half the month, I actually kept up pretty reasonably with my reading in February — and, curiously, spent a lot of time revisiting the Marvel Comics of my youth. (Spoilers: they’re pretty good, in retrospect. I might be overly swayed by nostalgia, however.) Anyway, here’s what I got up to reading comic-wise last month:

1. Fantastic Four (1961) #36
2. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #113
3. Justice League Unlimited (2024) #4
4. Metamorpho, The Element Man (2024) #3
5. Green Lantern (2023) #20
6. Fantastic Four (1961) #37
7. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #114
8. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #266-267
9. Mister Miracle (1971) #s 3-4
10. New Gods (1971) #3
11. Fantastic Four (1961) #38
12. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #115
13. Justice League Unlimited (2024) #s 1-3
14. Batman and Robin (2023) #18
15. Wonder Woman (2023) #18
16. The Flash (2023) #18
17. Detective Comics #s 1090-1093
18. Fantastic Four (1961) #39
19. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #116
20. Avengers (2023) #23
21. Star Wars: A New Legacy #1
22. Star Wars: Legacy of Vader #1
23. The Ultimates (2023) #9
24. West Coast Avengers (2023) #3
25. Phoenix (2024) #8
26. Power Man: Timeless #1
27. The Spectacular Spider-Men #12
28. Wolverine (2024) #6
29. Fantastic Four (1961) #40
30. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #117
31. Uncanny X-Men (1961) #s 268-269
32. Transformers (2023) #16
33. GI Joe (2024) #3
34. Fantastic Four (1961) #41
35. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #118
36. Uncanny X-Men (1961) #s 270-275
37. Detective Comics #1094
38. Superman (2023) #23
39. Black Canary: The Best of the Best #4
40. Fantastic Four (1961) #42
41. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #119
42. Legion of Super-Heroes (1980) #283-284
43. Astonishing X-Men Infinity Comic #9
44. Astonishing Avengers Infinity Comic #s 3-4
45. Astonishing Spider-Man Infinity Comic #15
46. Fantastic Four (1961) #43
47. Fantastic Four Annual (1963) #s 1-2
48. Fantastic Four Anniversary Tribute #1
49. Captain America (1968) #s 196-197
50. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #120
51. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 276-277
52. Absolute Superman #s 3-4
53. Captain America (1968) #198
54. Fantastic Four Annual (1963) #3
55. Captain America (1968) #s 199-200
56. Fantastic Four (1961) #44
57. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #121
58. Incredible Hulk Annual (1976) #s 11-12
59. The Defenders (1972) #s 1-2
60. X-Factor (1986) #s 65-68
61. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 278-280
62. X-Factor (1986) #69
63. Excalibur (1987) #s 4-11
64. Star Wars: Darth Vader (2020) #s 33-34
65. The Transformers (1984) #1
66. G.I. Joe (1982) #s 71-72
67. The Knights of Pendragon (1990) #s 9-18
68. The Knights of Pendragon (1992) #s 1-4
69. Overkill (1992) #4 (Knights of Pendragon story only)
70. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #s 331-334
71. Judge Dredd: End of Days
72. Captain America (1968) #201
73. Fantastic Four (1961) #45
74. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #122
75. Captain America: Symbol of Truth – Homeland Infinity Comic #1
76. Avengers (1963) #s 229-230
77. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #335
78. G.I. Joe (1982) #s 73-76
79. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #s 336-338
80. Lazarus #s 1-4
81. Lazarus: Family Prelude
82. Lazarus #s 5-9
83. Your Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man #1
84. All-New Venom #3
85. The Amazing Spider-Man (2022) #67
86. Deadpool Team-Up #5
87. The Immortal Thor #20
88. One World Under Doom #1
89. Sam Wilson: Captain America (2025) #2
90. X-Men (2024) #11
91. Cable: Love & Chrome #2
92. Magik (2025) #2
93. Lazarus #s 10-15
94. Daredevil (1998) #s 82-83
95. Fantastic Four (1961) #46
96. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #339
97. Lazarus #s 16-26
98. Lazarus: X +66 #s 1-6
99. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #123
100. Avengers (1963) #s 231-233
101. Iron Man (1968) #s 167-171
102. Lazarus: Risen #1
103. Iron Man (1968) #s 172-175
104. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #s 340-342
105. Lazarus: Risen #s 2-3
106. Aliens vs. Avengers #s 1-2
107. Lazarus: Risen #s 5-7
108. Lazarus #s 27-28
109. Iron Man (1968) #s 176-178
110. Iron Man Annual (1976) #6
111. Fantastic Four (1961) #47
112. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #124
113. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #s 343-346
114. Justice League: The Atom Project #3
115. JSA (2024) #5
116. Fantastic Four (1961) #48
117. The Nice House By The Sea #s 1-5
118. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #125
119. Iron Man (1968) #s 179-180
120. Avengers (1963) #234
121. Doctor Strange (1974) #60
122. Iron Man (1968) #s 181-183
123. Action Comics #s 1082-1083
124. Fantastic Four (1961) #49
125. The Mighty Thor (1966) #126
126. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #347
127. Iron Man (1968) #184
128. The Nice House By The Sea #6
129. Secret Six (2025) #1
130. Fantastic Four (1961) #50
131. The Mighty Thor (1966) #127
132. Fantastic Four (1961) #51
133. The Mighty Thor (1966) #128
134. Iron Man (1968) #185
135. Milestone Returns #0
136. Icon vs. Hardware #s 1-5
137. Milestone Universe: Shadow Cabinet #s 1-4
138. Icon (1993) #s 1-6
139. Hardware (1993) #s 1-2
140. Dick Tracy (2024) #1
141. Assorted Crisis Events #1
142. I Was A Fashion School Serial Killer #1
143. Fantastic Four (1961) #52
144. The Mighty Thor (1966) #129
145. Iron Man (1968) #186
146. Astonishing X-Men Infinity Comic #s 11-12
147. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #s 348-349
148. Web of Spider-Man (1985) #44
149. Dick Tracy (2024) #s 2-5
150. Fantastic Four (1961) #53
151. The Mighty Thor (1966) #130
152. Astonishing Spider-Man Infinity Comic #16
153. G.I. Joe (1982) #s 77-78
154. Judge Dredd: A Better World 
155. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #350
156. Avengers Annual (1967) #17
157. Marvel Premiere (1972) #49
158. The Falcon (1983) #s 1-4
159. Solo Avengers (1987) #6
160. The Incredible Hulk (2023) #22
161. Aliens vs. Avengers #3
162. The Amazing Spider-Man (2022) #68
163. Daredevil (2023) #18
164. Exceptional X-Men #6
165. Storm (2024) #5
166. Thunderbolts: Doomstrike #1
167. Uncanny X-Men (2024) #10
168. Weapon X-Men #1
169. X-Factor (2024) #7
170. X-Force (2024) #8
171. Fantastic Four (1961) #54
172. The Mighty Thor (1966) #131
173. Astonishing Spider-Man Infinity Comic #17
174. Iron Man (1968) #187
175. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #s 351-353
176. West Coast Avengers (1984) #1
177. Action Comics #1084
178. Batman & Robin (2023) #19
179. Absolute Superman #5
180. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #s 354-358
181. Fantastic Four (1961) #55
182. The Mighty Thor (1966) #132
183. Iron Man (1968) #188
184. West Coast Avengers (1984) #2
185. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #s 359-361
186. Iron Man (1968) #s 189-195
187. Absolute Flash #1
188. Fantastic Four (1961) #56
189. The Mighty Thor (1966) #133
190. Iron Man (1968) #196
191. West Coast Avengers (1984) #3
192. Hardware (1993) #s 3-4
193. Icon (1993) #s 7-8
194. JLA (1996) #s 98-99
195. Captain America (1968) #s 202-203
196. Fantastic Four (1961) #57
197. The Mighty Thor (1966) #134
198. Iron Man (1968) #197
199. Hardware (1993) #s 5-8
200. Batman/Superman: World’s Finest #1
201. Essential Rogue Trooper: The Traitor General
202. Superman (1939) #30, 96
203. Superman (1987) #75
204. Superman Annual (1987) #2
205. Superman: Peace on Earth
206. Fantastic Four (1961) #58
207. The Mighty Thor (1966) #135
208. 2000 AD Prog 2422
209. Fantastic Four (1961) #59
210. The Mighty Thor (1966) #136
211. Iron Man (1968) #s 198-199
212. Astonishing X-Men Infinity Comic #12
213. West Coast Avengers (1984) #4
214. Iron Man Annual (1976) #7
215. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #362
216. Superman (1987) #2
217. Blood Syndicate (1993) #1
218. Justice League of America (2006) #s 27-28, 30
219. Fantastic Four (1961) #60
220. The Mighty Thor (1966) #137
221. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #s 363-368
222. Iron Man (1968) #200
223. Captain America (1968) #s 307-309
224. Fantastic Four (1961) #61
225. The Mighty Thor (1966) #138
226. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #s 369-370
227. Captain America (1968) #310
228. Justice League of America (2006) #s 31-34
229. G.I. Joe (1982) #s 21-22
230. Captain America (1968) #311
231. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #371
232. G.I. Joe (1982) #23
233. Fantastic Four (1961) #62
234. The Mighty Thor (1966) #139
235. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #s 372
236. Captain America (1968) #312
237. G.I. Joe (1982) #s 24-25
238. Batman/Superman: World’s Finest #37
239. Challengers of the Unknown (2024) #4
240. Absolute Martian Manhunter #1
241. Absolute Green Lantern #1
242. Marvel Team-Up (1972) #134
243. Jack of Hearts #1
244. The Question: All Along The Watchtower #5
245. Detective Comics #1095
246. Superman: The Last Days of Lex Luthor #2
247. Batman & Robin: Year One #6
248. Fantastic Four (1961) #63
249. The Mighty Thor (1966) #140
250. The Incredible Hulk (1962) #s 373
251. Captain America (1968) #313
252. G.I. Joe (1982) #s 26-30
253. Ghost Rider/Wolverine/Punisher: Hearts of Darkness
254. Ghost Rider/Wolverine/Punisher: The Dark Design
255. Alpha Flight (1983) #s 3-5
256. Ultimate Spider-Man (2024) #14
257. The Amazing Spider-Man (2022) #68.Deaths (Yes, that’s the issue number)
258. Captain America & Volstagg #1
259. Fantastic Four (2022) #29
260. Iron Man (2024) #5
261. Red Hulk (2025) #1
262. West Coast Avengers (2024) #4
263. X-Men (2024) #12
264. The Best of 2000 AD Monthly #63

And so, on the tenth day, I decided to go to the Emergency Room. It wasn’t just that I was bored of being sick by day 10 — although, please know, I very much was, especially given that what had seemed a slow-but-sure march toward general health got utterly derailed by a weekend relapse — but that, by the tenth day of being sick, I was feeling as if the whole “taking it easy in bed, having liquids and hoping for the best” thing wasn’t really paying dividends. At least if I went to the ER, I figured, they’d flush my system with IV fluids and probably give me some antibiotics, and that would do something.

Funny story: I got no IV fluids, nor did I get any antibiotics. I did, however, get told that because I hadn’t gone to see them within the first 48 hours of my infection, they couldn’t really do much for me, and the best I could really do would be to take it easy in bed, have some liquids, and hope for the best. The irony.

Of course, this being the US healthcare system, it’s not like this ~5 hour adventure left me with nothing; I patiently await the bill for however many hundreds (thousands?) of dollars it cost for me to sit in a room for hours and get ignored by other people doing far more important things for people in far more distress than me.

That last bit isn’t entirely sarcasm; one of the good things about going to the ER was the context that, in the grand scheme of things, I was pretty well off. There was a woman who was in such pain in the waiting room that she couldn’t stop talking to herself, just saying please please please fuck oh fuck please make it stop fuck over and over and scaring a bunch of kids in the process. (Not all kids were scared; one, with the self-righteousness of someone who’s never been told no in an appropriately scary way, declared loudly, “That woman is too loud and she should stop talking because it makes me upset and she’s cursing.”) An old couple cuddled each other the entire time they waited, both looking so afraid of the world I legitimately couldn’t tell which was actually waiting for their appointment.

As I left the ER, my hopes for anything close to a speedier finish to the sickness dashed, someone passing in the corridor grabbed me by the arm, saying, “Your eyes are glassy and very bloodshot, do you know you’re going in the wrong direction for the emergency room?” Lord save us from well-meaning good samaritans whose simple faith in modern healthcare is as strong as mine.

One of the few high points of being sick and somewhat delirious for awhile was that I had unusually vivid dreams, and such unbroken sleep that it was as if I’d wake up immediately after something had happened that I needed to remember. That’s how I can remember, for example, a dream where I met Gus as a newborn puppy again, for example, and then he was sitting there next to the way he was the last time I saw him, in some strange moment where I got to say goodbye to the him he was at the end, as well as at the beginning. (It was somewhat fulfilling given that I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye in real life; it also didn’t feel like it was an end, in some way that I can’t put my finger on, however.)

There was another dream that I woke up from, repeatedly, and then managed to slip back inside almost immediately over and over again across the course of a few hours, and it’s something that’s stuck with me ever since. The initial set up was somewhat science-fiction-ish, or comic-booky: a parallel Earth had been discovered and, somehow (who needs details?!?), destroyed. All of its inhabitants, however, had come over to our Earth, so suddenly everyone was living beside an alternate version of themselves.

What the dream was actually about, however, was that it had been decided that the world couldn’t support twice the population and so that parallel population were to be killed off in, again, some ill-defined manner. That didn’t mean that I was dreaming about some crazy adventure where people were fighting for survival, though; instead, I was there just very aware that entire cultures were going to disappear as a result — songs, stories, and more that were just outside of our understanding and experience that would suddenly not be there because an entire world of people was going to stop existing.

I’d wake up, and think to myself groggily that I didn’t know where this was coming from and I needed to just sleep deeper and move past such thoughts, and then I’d be back on this overpopulated world, where I was all too aware that so many people’s work and dreams and art were going to disappear, forever.

And then, I got very sick.

I mean, I got the flu, but I got a bad case of the flu — bad enough that I was basically delirious for a day or so, with a fever spiking the entire time, and my brain refusing to finish thoughts that it started because it was so much easier to get distracted by cartoon elephants which I objectively knew were not inside my brain, but it certainly seemed like it at the time. (Honestly, I wish I was joking; I am not.)

It was one of those things that, when you’re right in the middle of the worst of it, you just kind of take it because, really, what’s the alternative? I remember small parts from the worst day, whether it was the pride I took in calling out sick almost as soon as I woke up because I was already feeling out of it — given that I could barely manage a full work day when I did return, days later, it was a good call, but that kind of maybe I should make the smart choice for myself and not just assume I can handle anything if I try hard enough thinking does not come naturally; I felt as if I’d leveled up in self-care terms — or not being entirely sure if I was awake or asleep at one point, but knowing with supreme conviction that if I moved even an inch, I would be pounced upon by any one of a number of animals who were surrounding me on the bed at that moment, as if they could somehow keep me from getting worse. Who knows, maybe they did.

Just two days earlier, I’d been talking to a friend about how bad everything had been in the past few weeks to that point, leading up to the death of Gus after more than 16 years. “At least it can’t get worse,” I joked, and then immediately wished I could take it back, because even by saying that, I felt as if I was inviting some future calamity I could not foresee. Lying in bed, sweating and incoherent and wondering if the next cough would bring up phlegm or make me shit myself, the closest thing I came to thinking clearly was telling myself, see? This is why you should never tempt fate.