The World That's Coming

One of the few high points of being sick and somewhat delirious for awhile was that I had unusually vivid dreams, and such unbroken sleep that it was as if I’d wake up immediately after something had happened that I needed to remember. That’s how I can remember, for example, a dream where I met Gus as a newborn puppy again, for example, and then he was sitting there next to the way he was the last time I saw him, in some strange moment where I got to say goodbye to the him he was at the end, as well as at the beginning. (It was somewhat fulfilling given that I didn’t have a chance to say goodbye in real life; it also didn’t feel like it was an end, in some way that I can’t put my finger on, however.)

There was another dream that I woke up from, repeatedly, and then managed to slip back inside almost immediately over and over again across the course of a few hours, and it’s something that’s stuck with me ever since. The initial set up was somewhat science-fiction-ish, or comic-booky: a parallel Earth had been discovered and, somehow (who needs details?!?), destroyed. All of its inhabitants, however, had come over to our Earth, so suddenly everyone was living beside an alternate version of themselves.

What the dream was actually about, however, was that it had been decided that the world couldn’t support twice the population and so that parallel population were to be killed off in, again, some ill-defined manner. That didn’t mean that I was dreaming about some crazy adventure where people were fighting for survival, though; instead, I was there just very aware that entire cultures were going to disappear as a result — songs, stories, and more that were just outside of our understanding and experience that would suddenly not be there because an entire world of people was going to stop existing.

I’d wake up, and think to myself groggily that I didn’t know where this was coming from and I needed to just sleep deeper and move past such thoughts, and then I’d be back on this overpopulated world, where I was all too aware that so many people’s work and dreams and art were going to disappear, forever.

And then, I got very sick.

I mean, I got the flu, but I got a bad case of the flu — bad enough that I was basically delirious for a day or so, with a fever spiking the entire time, and my brain refusing to finish thoughts that it started because it was so much easier to get distracted by cartoon elephants which I objectively knew were not inside my brain, but it certainly seemed like it at the time. (Honestly, I wish I was joking; I am not.)

It was one of those things that, when you’re right in the middle of the worst of it, you just kind of take it because, really, what’s the alternative? I remember small parts from the worst day, whether it was the pride I took in calling out sick almost as soon as I woke up because I was already feeling out of it — given that I could barely manage a full work day when I did return, days later, it was a good call, but that kind of maybe I should make the smart choice for myself and not just assume I can handle anything if I try hard enough thinking does not come naturally; I felt as if I’d leveled up in self-care terms — or not being entirely sure if I was awake or asleep at one point, but knowing with supreme conviction that if I moved even an inch, I would be pounced upon by any one of a number of animals who were surrounding me on the bed at that moment, as if they could somehow keep me from getting worse. Who knows, maybe they did.

Just two days earlier, I’d been talking to a friend about how bad everything had been in the past few weeks to that point, leading up to the death of Gus after more than 16 years. “At least it can’t get worse,” I joked, and then immediately wished I could take it back, because even by saying that, I felt as if I was inviting some future calamity I could not foresee. Lying in bed, sweating and incoherent and wondering if the next cough would bring up phlegm or make me shit myself, the closest thing I came to thinking clearly was telling myself, see? This is why you should never tempt fate.

It’s difficult to overstate how ultimately surreal my recent work trip felt, by the middle of it. I had received the news that Gus had died, and I was not there for it; I was also staying at a hotel in the middle of nowhere — literally, the only thing within walking distance was the office I was visiting every day, and those two things were separated by a highway — and it had been snowing so that even simply being outside for a few minutes felt treacherously cold. I was working too hard by far (generally starting somewhere around 7am and then working through 8:30, at which point I went into the office until around 5, and then back to the hotel to work until 11 or so), which I knew at the time but also didn’t see an alternative to, and hyper-aware of how lonely and sad I was feeling at every single moment, yet also finding no way to change that for any considerable length of time. It was, as I told someone a couple days after coming home, a week that felt like there wasn’t actually any upside, just different flavors of things going wrong.

(That’s a melodramatic way of looking at things, and also one that’s obviously untrue to some degree, but also a reasonable summation of what it felt like at the time.)

Adding to the feeling that all of this was somehow beyond reality was the small detail that the hotel I was staying in was covered in cutesy affirmations that felt entirely, hilariously, at odds with my mental state throughout the entire stay. Written on the wall above my bed was the slogan “Sleep well, dream big,” for example; “Going UP?” written beside the button for the elevator. There as one point where I was climbing the stairs to my room on the day I’d gotten the news about Gus where I saw that the stairs said, “Don’t think of them as stairs, they’re little hurdles for you to overcome,” and I read that and thought, fuck right off.

There was one point where I read the “dream big” just before turning off the light for the night, knowing my sleep schedule was wrecked and I’d have a fitful few hours failing to sleep, and I had the sense that I had accidentally slipped out of the real world and into a very poorly made American indie movie that saw itself as social satire from 20 years ago. In many ways, that feels like the best way of telling you all how bad it felt — that Zach Braff could have wandered into the scene at any moment, and that would have made sense on some level.

I know, I know; we’re getting here late this month. (Sorry.) There are fewer movies on the list this month than had been the case for the months prior, for a good reason; I spent a chunk of this month catching up on a lot of the TV I’d missed in 2024 because I was concentrating so much on movies! The temptation to start a separate list of TV shows watched and binged this month was great, but there’s only so many lists I can do without succumbing totally to my anal attitude. However, briefly: The Righteous Gemstones and The Bear proved to be every bit as entertaining as I’d hoped, and newcomers Severance season 2 and The Pitt were everything I’d wanted them to be — and that’s not touching on reality shows like The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City (still the best) and Love Island Australia and Love Island All Stars. But, wait. You came here for the movies, right…?

If the first month of the year is meant to set the tone for everything that follows, it’s safe to say that I’m lowkey in fear of what 2025 is going to end up becoming.

January proved to be a barrage of work things, exhaustion, and various other difficulties that left me in a daze more evenings than not, feeling overwhelmed and beaten up by the world. There were a couple of weeks in particular where I legitimately lost track of what day it was, purely because so many things happened on particular days that I honestly thought I was a day or two later in the week, because how else could it all have fit? The worst part of the month was, almost certainly, when I found out that my 16-year-old dog Gus was sick, and I waited a day for test results while assuming the worst.

(Weird time-traveling note; I originally wrote this at the end of January when we didn’t know what Gus’s long term prognosis was; he of course died last week. It was surreal to realize I’d have to come back and edit this.)

Add to all of these things that were directly impacting my life, what was happening nationally as we got the return of a President who seems hellbent on destroying everything good and decent in the world. Those initial days after Trump was sworn back into office felt cartoonish in the degree to which he was issuing orders that were so destructive and selfish; it was at once scary and in some strange way almost funny because what the fuck is happening. (To be clear: I know it’s not actually funny, but the volume and cruelty was so surreal as to provoke the terrified laughter response.)

At some point during the month I was talking to someone about work things and our failure to properly plan out what 2025 was going to look like by the end of the month. “January doesn’t count,” they argued, “it’s like a practice month to get ready for the rest of the year. February is where everything begins.” Maybe we can take that attitude into the real world, and hope that things are going to get better. The alternative is too sobering a concept to consider, right now.

In retrospect, it’s almost creepy that I spent the day after Gus left the last time feeling as if I was mourning him.

I shared custody of him with my ex-wife, and he’d spend anywhere between a month and six weeks to two months with me, and then the same with her, and it was this unusual but comfortable rhythm for everyone involved. We’d communicate about what was happening with him if anything unusual happened, but otherwise, it was just what we did: he’d be with me for awhile, and then he’d be gone for awhile. Except that, the last time he went away, I found myself weighed down by his absence to a degree that just felt more heavy, more inescapable, than ever before.

I couldn’t explain it at the time, but I was very upset by it; I even said to a couple of people that it felt as if I was getting a preview of what it was going to be like when he was dead, because I was just so aware that he wasn’t there. It felt as if his ghost was haunting me, but even saying that now feels melodramatic; saying it at a time when he was still alive felt even more so.

There was nothing happening at the time that should have left me thinking about his mortality other than his age; he didn’t seem sick in the slightest, and was in fact still running around and jumping up for attention and through excitement when he was with me the last time I saw him. Nonetheless, the day after he left, it felt like he was dead and I was saying goodbye. Little did I know that, a couple weeks later, I’d get a text that he was suddenly sick in a way that felt bad, or that two weeks later again, he’d be gone.

Rest in Peace, Gus.

As if I wasn’t going to be heartbroken enough when he died, he passed when I was out of town on a work trip — something I knew was a possibility, and had been in utter fear of, for some time. His health really started declining about two weeks ago, and even though he’d rallied a little since then, his age and the fact that he really started to get worse pretty much the second day of my five-day trip meant that I couldn’t disagree with the suggestion was made that the kindest thing to do was to say goodbye to him. I just wish, with all my heart, that I’d gotten to actually say goodbye to him in person. I loved him so, so fucking much.

While I didn’t quite keep to my idea of paring back my comic reading to simply things that are good, I did restructure my reading somewhat in January and focus in on slower, more intentional re-reads of some beloved material: Lee and Kirby’s Fantastic Four, Morrison and Porter’s JLA (and then more Morrison after that), Claremont’s mid-era Uncanny X-Men, and more. Keeping myself limited to an issue or maybe two a day has meant that I’ve appreciated the material more, and slowed down the reading experience in such a way that I’ve found particularly rewarding. (Of course, some other things I’ve still been rushing through in unusual haste…)

1. Deprog #s 1-4
2. The Magic Order #s 1-6
3. The Magic Order 2 #s 1-6
4. The Magic Order 3 #s 1-6
5. Star Wars: Darth Vader (2020) #s 26-32
6. The Witching Hour (1999) #s 1-3
7. Black Canary: Best of the Best #3
8. Superman (2023) #22
9. DC’s Lex and the City #1
10. Martian Manhunter (2015) #s 9-12
11. JLA (1996) #16
12. Teen Titans (2003) #s 70-72
13. JSA Classified #s 5-7
14. Martian Manhunter (1998) #1
15. Fantastic Four (1961) #6
16. Cable: Love & Chrome #1
17. Daredevil (2023) #17
18. Deadpool/Wolverine (2025) #1
19. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #s 51-52
20. JLA (1996) #17
21. Fantastic Four (1961) #7
22. Detective Comics (1937) #1093
23. It’s Jeff! Infinity Comic #42
24. Marvel Team-Up Annual (1976) #2
25. Marvel Team-Up (1972) #s 87-89
26. Bizarre Adventures (1981) #27
27. Nightcrawler (1985) #s 1-4
28. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 187-188
29. The Mighty Avengers (1963) #s 244-245
30. JLA Classified #s 1-3 
31. Taste of Justice Holiday Preview #1
32. Tales of the Unexpected (2006) #s 1-6 (Dr. Thirteen stories only)
33. 2000 AD Prog 2415
34. JLA (1996) #s 22-23
35. DC One Million #1
36. Fantastic Four (1961) #8
37. Tales of the Unexpected (2006) #s 7-8 (Dr. Thirteen stories only)
38. Action Comics #1,000,000
39. Batman: Shadow of the Bat #1,000,000
40. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 189-192
41. Star Trek: Defiant #s 12-16
42. DC Horror Presents… #s 1-3
43. Geiger (2024) #s 1-3
44. Redcoat #1
45. The Rocketfellers #1
46. DC One Million #2
47. JLA #1,000,000
48. DC One Million #s 3-4
49. Legion of Super-Heroes #1,000,000
50. DC One Million 80-Page Giant #1,000,000
51. Fantastic Four (1961) #9
52. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #193
53. Fantastic Four (1961) #10
54. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #194
55. Teen Titans (2003) #s 73-75
56. JLA (1996) #24
57. The Amazing Spider-Man (2022) #65
58. Uncanny X-Men (2024) #8
59. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #53
60. The Incredible Hulk #296
61. Fantastic Four (1961) #11
62. All-New Venom #2
63. Sam Wilson, Captain America (2025) #1
64. The Ultimates (2024) #8
65. X-Factor (2024) #6
66. Legionnaires (1993) #44
67. Superman: Lex Luthor Special #1
68. Green Lantern (2023) #19
69. JLA (1996) #25
70. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #s 54-55
71. JLA (1996) #26
72. Legion of Super-Heroes (1989) #88
73. Fantastic Four (1961) #12
74. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #s 83-85
75. Marvel Rivals Infinity Comic #4
76. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #86
77. JLA (1996) #27
78. Fantastic Four (1961) #13
79. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #s 87-88
80. Legionnaires (1993) #s 45-46
81. Legion of Super-Heroes (1989) #s 89-90
82. Superman Plus #1
83. Legionnaires (1993) #47
84. Legion of Super-Heroes (1989) #91
85. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #89
86. JLA (1996) #28
87. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #90
88. Fantastic Four (1961) #14
89. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #195
90. Avengers (1963) #227
91. Marvel Super-Heroes: Secret Wars (1984) #1
92. Legionnaires (1993) #s 48-50
93. Legion of Super-Heroes (1989) #s 92-94
94. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #56
95. G.I. Joe (2024) #3
96. JLA (1996) #s 29-30
97. 2000 AD Prog 2416
98. JLA (1996) #31
99. Fantastic Four (1961) #15
100. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #91
101. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #196
102. Legionnaires (1993) #s 51-52
103. Legion of Super-Heroes (1989) #s 95-96
104. Batman (2016) #157
105. JSA (2024) #4
106. Justice League: The Atom Project #2
107. Birds of Prey (2023) #18
108. Legionnaires (1993) #s 53-55
109. Legion of Super-Heroes (1989) #s 97-99
110. Action Comics (1938) #741
111. In Bloom #1
112. Star Wars: The Battle of Jakku – Last Stand #s 1-2
113. Wolverine (2024) #5
114. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #s 57-58
115. Legionnaires (1993) #56
116. Legion of Super-Heroes (1989) #100
117. Fantastic Four (1961) #16
118. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #s 92-93
119. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #197
120. Marvel Graphic Novel #4: The New Mutants (1982)
121. The New Mutants (1983) #s 1-2
122. Legionnaires (1993) #57
123. Legion of Super-Heroes (1989) #101
124. Fantastic Four (1961) #17
125. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #198
126. The New Mutants (1983) #3
127. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #94
128. My Greatest Adventure (1955) #80
129. Marvel Rivals Infinity Comic #6
130. Legion of Super-Heroes (1980) #281
131. Ultimate Wolverine (2025) #1
132. Exceptional X-Men #5
133. JLA (1996) #34
134. Fantastic Four (1961) #18
135. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #95
136. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 199-200
137. Astonishing Spider-Man Infinity Comic #12
138. Legion of Super-Heroes (1980) #282
139. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #201
140. Marvel Team-Up Annual (1976) #4
141. JLA (1996) #s 36-37
142. Fantastic Four (1961) #19
143. JLA (1996) #38
144. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #96
145. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 202-203
146. JLA (1996) #s 39-40
147. The Amazing Spider-Man (2022) #65.Death (Yes, that’s really the issue number.)
148. The Immortal Thor #19
149. Storm (2004) #4
150. JLA (1996) #41
151. Fantastic Four (1961) #20
152. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #97
153. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #204
154. JLA (1996) #42
155. JLA: Earth 2 OGN
156. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #s 59-60
157. Fantastic Four (1961) #21
158. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #98
159. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #205
160. JLA (1996) #s 94-96 (Byrne/Claremont/Ordway)
161. Astonishing Avengers Infinity Comic #1
162. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 206-209
163. Rom Annual (1982) #3
164. Fantastic Four (1961) #22
165. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #99
166. Sgt. Fury (1963) #1
167. Storm (2024) #3
168. Magik (2025) #1
169. JLA (1996) #97
170. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #210
171. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #s 61-62
172. The New Gods (2024) #s 1-2
173. New Gods (1971) #s 1-2
174. The Forever People (1971) #s 1-2
175. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #63
176. Fantastic Four (1961) #23
177. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #211
178. X-Factor (1986) #s 9-10
179. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #100
180. X-Men Annual (1970) #8
181. New Mutants Annual (1984) #2
182. Mister Miracle (1971) #1
183. The New Mutants (1983) #46
184. The Mighty Thor (1966) #373
185. Power Pack (1984) #27
186. Fantastic Four (1961) #24
187. The Mighty Thor (1966) #374
188. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 212-214
189. X-Factor (1986) #11
190. Daredevil (1964) #238
191. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #101
192. Marvel Rivals Infinity Comic #6
193. Alpha Flight (1983) #s 1-2
194. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #s 64-69
195. Fantastic Four (1961) #25
196. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #102
197. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 215-218
198. Fantastic Four vs. the X-Men #1
199. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 219-220
200. Mister Miracle (1971) #2
201. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #70
202. Fantastic Four (1961) #26
203. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #71
204. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #103
205. Astonishing Spider-Man Infinity Comic #13
206. Fantastic Four vs. the X-Men #s 2-4
207. The X-Men vs. the Avengers #s 1-4
208. Green Lantern Corps (2025) #1
209. DC Power: Rise of the Power Company #1
210. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 221-224
211. Judge Dredd: Trifecta
212. Ultimate Spider-Man (2024) #13
213. Rom Annual (1982) #4
214. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #72
215. Fantastic Four (2022) #28
216. Iron Man (2024) #4
217. Phoenix (2024) #7
218. Uncanny X-Men (2024) #9
219. Fantastic Four (1961) #27
220. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #104
221. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 225-227
222. Excalibur: The Sword is Drawn
223. Fantastic Four (1961) #28
224. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #105
225. Marvel Fanfare (1982) #s 1-4
226. Action Comics (1938) #1070-1081 (Supergirl stories only)
227. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 228-230
228. Supergirl Special (2023) #1
229. Supergirl: Woman of Tomorrow #1
230. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #73
231. Fantastic Four (1961) #29
232. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #106
233. Jenny Sparks #7
234. Batman & Robin: Year One #5
235. The New Gods (2024) #3
236. Challengers of the Unknown (2024) #3
237. The Question: All Along The Watchtower #4
238. The New Mutants (1983) #s 32-35
239. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 231-234
240. The New Mutants (1983) #s 36-40
241. Judge Dredd: Titan
242. Judge Dredd: The Small House
243. Judge Dredd: Control
244. Rom Spaceknight (1979) #s 74-75 (The end!)
245. Fantastic Four (1961) #30
246. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #107
247. The New Mutants (1983) #s 41-42
248. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 235-238
249. Wolverine (1988) #1
250. Fantastic Four (1961) #31
251. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #108
252. The New Mutants (1983) #43
253. Marvel Super-Heroes #s 377-388 (Captain Britain stories only)
254. The Daredevils #s 1-11 (Captain Britain stories only)
255. Astonishing X-Men Infinity Comic #s 6-8
256. Excalibur (1988) #s 1-2
257. Wolverine (1988) #2
258. Speedball (1988) #1
259. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #239
260. X-Factor (1986) #35
261. Captain America Annual (1971) #3
262. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 240-243
263. X-Factor (1986) #s 36-39
264. Fantastic Four (1961) #32
265. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #109
266. Excalibur (1988) #3
267. The New Mutants (1983) #44
268. The Defenders (1972) #125
269. Captain America (1968) #193
270. Fantastic Four (1961) #33
271. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #110
272. Batman/Superman: World’s Finest #36
273. Titans (2023) #20
274. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 244-251
275. Fantastic Four (1961) #34
276. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 252-255
277. Captain America (1968) #194
278. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #111
279. Astonishing Spider-Man Infinity Comic #14
280. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 256-260
281. Wolverine (1988) #11
282. Fantastic Four (1961) #35
283. Journey Into Mystery (1952) #112
284. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #s 261-264
285. Wolverine (1988) #12
286. Avengers (1963) #228
287. Uncanny X-Men (1963) #265
288. Captain America (1968) #195