Reading about the business of Christmas TV movies the other day, the thought occurred to me: I watch enough of these to probably be able to pitch some, right? I know the formula: a title that refers to a Christmas song everyone knows, some actors you’ve seen in other things, and a plot that won’t surprise or threaten anyone but entertain just enough to make those 90-120 minutes go down as easily as the egg nog everyone is likely drinking as they watch. So, with literally zero minutes forethought, I came up with the following:
I’m Tellin’ You Why: Opposites attract at Christmas when two leading social media content makers — what we used to call “influencers” before that term went out of fashion, which was round around when people started using the term “slop” freely — find themselves fighting to be the face of their hometown’s holiday parade! Are holiday parades a real thing? Would social media people care about them? Who cares?!? Let’s have whoever played Archie Andrews in Riverdale as the male lead, some kind of Joe Rogan with a heart, and Nancy from Stranger Things as the female lead doing some PG-13 twist on the Call Her Daddy kind of podcast thing.
I’ll Be Home for Christmas: There almost certainly has to be multiple movies with this title already, right? Well, this can be another one, but it’s just a rip-off of Planes, Trains, and Automobiles that works in some gags about self-driving cars and Ubers because the gig economy is a cheap punchline, am I right? Nicola Coughlan can take on the Steve Martin role and she’s paired with Aidy Bryant in place of John Candy, and the whole thing can be a slow motion version of America Ferrera’s monologue at the end of Barbie about how difficult it is to live up to multiple warring expectations at once, but with all the edges softened and a finale that lets everyone have a happy ending, because let’s not upset people too much at the holidays, everyone. Let’s get these viewing figures up.
With Your Nose So Bright, Won’t You Guide My Slay Tonight?: A drag-themed retelling of the Rudolph story that’s also a cautionary tale about cocaine addiction, and — okay, maybe this one is a bit of a stretch. I’m sorry. (I will rethink this if someone offers an option, however.)
Netflix, call me.